Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/20/2008

Question
Hi, my ex boyfriend finished with me because he said I didn't make him more uncomfortable in the house. I kept his phone, which he asked me to do, and his laptop, which he also wanted me to do. But then he got mad because they were his, and when he tried to change his laptop password and I stopped him he was really mad! I was only doing what he asked! I found out he has been texting and chatting to others online, so I obviously wasn't doing things right. I was new at it and not very confident, and messed it all up by not making him do more jobs and making him uncomfortable, and not controlling him enough, but when i tried to, it wasn't what he wanted. Am so confused! What do you think! I bought all the books and online stuff and he always said it was good, but I don't think I did it enough.

Answer
Hi, Alana,

You have every right to be confused. Your boyfriend was sending you mixed messages. My guess is that was the root of the problem more than anything you did or didn't do. I suspect he was the weak link, not you. He may not have known enough about BDSM or his own needs to have been a good partner for someone like you, who was learning, too.

I don't think you should blame yourself for the relationship not being successful. If you've looked at the books and articles, you know your boyfriend wasn't behaving in the ways we expect of a submissive. It sounds as though he was making demands rather than participating in a negotiation. Because you were new and, essentially doing this for him, you trusted him to be fair and honest with you and he wasn't. He topped from the bottom and, it seems, tried to manipulate you emotionally, with anger. The fact that he was texting and chatting with others could show he was dissatisfied with your control but it could also show he just wasn't committed to helping you get it right. He had the opportunity to sit down with you and talk about expectations and what he needed to happen. He didn't do that, so he bears as much responsibility for lack of success as you do. You may not have exerted the control he would have liked but no one is perfect at this right out of the gate. As the more experienced player, I would have expected him to know this and work with you. It looks like you gave this a good effort, so give yourself a break and credit for being brave enough to do this. I'm sorry your introduction to BDSM was with someone who wasn't as interested in doing it well as you were.

If you were genuinely attracted to the idea of BDSM, now is a good time to take a good look at your resources and to think about your own interests. You may find this is something you want to do again, because you enjoy it. If so, when you have the opportunity to get into this type of relationship again, either with this person or someone else, you'll have a better idea of what you need to do, to satisfy someone else and, more important, to satisfy yourself. If not, I think  learning a little more will at least show you that you did as well as you could under the circumstances. Please be proud of yourself for what you were able to do, because that's more important than what you didn't do.

Mistress Violette