Expert: Oscar G. - 4/1/2008

Question
QUESTION: "This is more like a issue I'm having rather then a question , I'm going to explain as much as i can in hopes of getting different prospective.



I have been in the lifestyle for about 8 years , pretty much raised by Dom's. I got in to the lifestyle when i was 18 and trained under a Master for 2 years until i was 20 , that's some of my background. I'm very knowledgeable but still learning I'm a safe and well known rope top.Ive taken plenty of workshops and I'm good at what i do ! I consider myself a  Daddy Dom ..Because it fits me well !



I got involved with a baby girl sub(37) about a year and a half ago we have been living together for almost a year..Things were ok at first but she was very new and when we meant i was in a bit of a Dom drop from my last D/s relationship and was not really interested in training another sub formally..



So i let things takes its own path , somewhere along the way i fell in this vanilla kinda love with only a touch of D/s at first,but we constantly  powered struggled. I have never dated a vanilla..I'm not use to the way that kinda of relationship works ..She knew very little or should i say less then i thought she did...    



But she seems  thinks she knows how this is suppose to work. She thinks there is some kinda book that tells her how a D/s relationship is suppose to work ...I have told her that it no such thing and every relationship is based on the couple involved she doesn't seem to believe that and gets con screwed information from various blogs and apparently other troubled  sub/baby girl and bases our relationship on this...



I have told her she needs to be careful of the information she gets on the net because most of these people are poser's she continues to do it even after I have told her not too.



That information i believe has us where we are now! Which i know is a very unhealthy place for me  "I love this girl" with a love that many of my Sis and brother would say is  vanilla and that alone has allowed her to have more power then she should have...



When i tell her something she doesn't like or disagrees with she jumps out of char actor and in to vanilla roll which then takes me out of my Dom space and into a husband who is power struggling with her when this happens..

Tempers flare and  horrible things are said ( i have seen she has a very nasty temper) ..I have told her its ok to disagree but its an appropriate way she needs to do it ..In an argument she has told me to sit down, shut up these are things are unfamiliar to me and makes me furious  in 8 years of owning subs I have never in countered anything like this and i have to say i am at a lost



In the beginning of march we split up and me being in this vanilla love i mentioned, I pursued her in hopes of reconciling  and i let her see that i was not only a Dom but a man in love..during that time i allowed her to top me from the bottom ...after it was over she said the problems she felt we had was due to her need not being fulfilled (that was the first time she ever said that to me )



I have told her communication was one of the keys to a successful  D/s relationship yet she will hold things in until they come out in unhealthy ways and a he will lie to avoid an issue.



I took in to consideration  her feeling like a need weren't being meant and allowed  the first written  contract of our  relationship  .I allowed her to write it to give her free expression... I made additions  but  really wanted to see what she felt was lacking  and we signed ...



Just recently we had  a very nasty argument which should not have taken place it resulted in her yelling and screaming at the top of her longs and being totally out of control..We live in an apartment where that could have put us in danger of police coming out i choose to restrain her until she calmed down ..which resulted in us splitting up again she dishonored the contract completely ...





We still live together and have not spoken more then  10  words since the incident (march 27th) ,now i believe she is over her temper tantrum. Usually i would have given in and still felt that it was my responsibility to care for her...but I'm still very upset more like furious..





Of course this is not story in its full state  any questions you have please feel free to ask ...





         Dean


ANSWER: Sir Dean:

Your story strikes close to home since I had a situation similar to yours at some point.  As you said communication is essential and important in these matters, but only effective if it goes both ways, and both partners are willing to agree and compromise with each other.

I guess the distinction here is she wants he cake and eat it to  so to speak. BDSM roles and play when it fits her, but otherwise she squirms out of it. Is the stuff she argues about related to stuff you like and she dislikes?  is it about her treatment or the role she is in?  She maybe be bottom, but probably may not be submissive. There is THAT  distinction to make note of. Since you initially worked your relationship as  vanilla and tried to slip into a BDSM mode, that could have been the point of friction.

Maybe she is not as enamored of the BDSM stuff as you are, or have different ideas of what it is.  And yes definitions do change around and it is hard to find out one concrete answer. But my best approximation to a workable answer is this. "What is a BDSM relationship?" Answer: Whatever 2 people decide and agree it is.
Define your role to her and your expectations. And she needs to define hers. IF that has been done and she does not comply or follow on HER OWN definition, then she is not being serious about being in a BDSM type relationship in my opinion.  Maybe she may want a relationship with kinks, and perhaps some of your kinks are not her kinks.

AT this points the picture has to be sharpened into a clear focus and with a long term vision. Otherwise you may be spinning your wheels and working at opposite ends. If it involves talking to other BDSM couples, Master/slave, or Dom/sub couples you admire, perhaps will help you both or illuminate her if the stuff is for her or not. In this way she will not have false expectations or incorrect ideas  on what she wants, desires or expects from you.

From the top of my head, that is my best approach to this thorny situation. I hope it helps.
Be well and be safe.

Best regards.

Oscar G.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I thank you so much for getting back...I tried to get feed back from another site and got flamed..They didn't read the post and of course they we're subs.Its sooths to hear a Dominate opinion on things I do realize that I have cheated her when we meant i was in complete A "Dom drop" to make i very short is me being feed up , drained its apart of this lifestyle and part of being a Dom also very much so human..

I have heard of my elders being in this same position..I figure its just my turn , I created this monster (situation) and by all means plan on taming it ...
Brat or not she has to want to be sub no matter how good a Dom is if the sub/baby girl is not willing to give that gift, punishment is useless...I feel her problem is she carries baggage from a 7 year vanilla relationship and she has not fully made that transition , i can only assist her in being the best lil girl she can be.I cant make that happen for her.

Once she is able to work through some of those issues and accept herself things will fall into there rightful place .My mistake was handling the situation with far to much aftercare , I thought she needed it coming out of a vanilla relationship because i know how draining that can be. She took that for granted...
I have allowed her to be spoiled ,stubborn and everything in between with very little correction .

She is not use to Daddy not taking care of her and this break is what she needed.This is where the relationship will have to be re established..I haven't given her an once of attention in the last 6 days and this will continue until I feel she is ready and deserves to be formally trained ....

I am fallible and have made some mistakes  I hope there is something salvageable between us...She has a lot of vanilla ways those of which im not familiar with and i think that is what caught me off guard...Me being completely out of my Dom space I feel i have cheated her and i'm wondering if that kinda of power shift can be repaired ??

Answer
Hi Again Sir Dean:

Subs and  even other Dominants  forget we are all human and we are not perfect. Some Dominants like to create an aura of invulnerability and perfection, or at least nothing that show to their subs or potential subs. Part of the mystique or image of being a BDSM god or somesuch. I don't know for sure sometimes.

Real life has a lot of gravity and weight upon you. And it does affect your BDSM play and lifestyle. Some  people integrate it seamlessly into their lives, while for others is not logistically possible. Relationship wise, it is often said it is not good for people to grab to each other while rebounding off a failed relation. Perhaps now we see why, and another anecdotal evidence to add. Good healthy subs are actually very independent and smart people, who chose to lean onto somebody else for certain needs; but they do not need the other person as much as they wanted and chose the other person to take care of them; because the Dominant offered to care for them.

She needs to work out her issues and you need to define your role and needs. Part of working out her issues mean defining herself as  person and as a woman (perhaps in that order). And find out what her needs and wants are (again as a person and a woman FIRST). Once that is solid then she can be more secure about finding her identity as a submissive if the previous definitions work out well for her.

I would recommend  trying to find like minded Doms, real time if possible. Online is too prone to flaming and biased opinion without any real  human touch oftentimes. The point would be to share experiences and compare ideas and get support morally, more than you could from reading anything on the Internet.

I hope, once again, this helps you and you find what you need.
Best regards.