Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/29/2008

Question
Mistress Violette,
I have known that I was a submissive since I was 15 years old and I have been trying to express it and explain it to my lover for awhile now. I have a craving like "The Secretary" to have it as an active part of my daily life. I appreciate any advice, thank you.

Tabby

Answer
Hello, Tabby,

When you say you've been trying to express it, I'm thinking you mean you want to tell him about your desire to submit but don't quite know how. I have to admit to not having seen or read "Secretary" but, if the movie portrays what you're looking for, maybe you could use it as an icebreaker. You want to see how receptive to this sort of sexuality he might be and a good way to do that is to watch a movie with him. If you don't think a movie about a type of BDSM relationship will appeal to him, look for one that just has an allusion or a scene or two. Afterward, you can ask him what he thought of the scenes and if he found the idea exciting. If he doesn't dismiss the idea out of hand, you can tell him a little about your desires. Many  otherwise vanilla people are excited by BDSM themed activities in the bedroom. If you start that way, you won't scare him and, in fact, you'll give him the opportunity to come to enjoy it and maybe want a bigger role.

Before you talk to him, it will help if you have an idea of what your own goals are. You need to be clear about what you're offering. Some people are content with BDSM that never leaves the bedroom, others want to incorporate it into more of their lives. It sounds like you might be the latter. If so, and your lover isn't similarly inclined, you might have to be satisfied with him playing the role of dominant in some area(s) where it's a turn on for him.

If BDSM is something with which he's not familiar, you'll need to be prepared to reassure him. Our kink often isn't portrayed sympathetically in the media and that's the only experience many people have of it. You might have to explain that it can be loving, fun and sexy and is a natural and healthy desire. Be ready with your favorite web sites or books. Sometimes just knowing this is something with happy practitioners, who love to talk about it, can be helpful.

The best case scenario is that, just as you've been trying to figure out how to express your desires to him, he's been wanting to express his dominant ones to you. That would be wonderful but I think a more likely scenario is that he's either interested in experimenting or interested in doing things that make you happy. That's why I suggest you ease into it, for his sake. Once he finds out the benefits your submission can have for him, he might be willing to wade in deeper and find out what it's all about. Even if he just decides to get his feet wet, you'll still have the benefit of getting some fulfillment, and with someone you love.

Mistress Violette