Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/30/2008

Question
Hello,
 I have been into BDSM for quite some time, and I am very comfortable with that part of who I am. It's not something that I can just push aside or deny. So, since I'm 23 now and confident that this is a long term part of my life, I came out to my Mom and told her about this. The reason that I told her was that I'm in a new D/s relationship and I would have had to start lying to her on a regular basis just to keep this a secret. She told me she doesn't think I'm crazy, but my problem is that now she is all worried that BDSM is risky and unhealthy.
I take all of the safety precautions that I possibly can, safe calls, safe words, discussions of limits, and all of that, and I am with someone who is very kind and trustworthy.
I was trying to do the right thing here. What can I do to help her see that BDSM is meant to be safe, sane and consensual?

Answer
Hello, Myra,

You're lucky your mom is able to be supportive, so I can understand your desire to help her be comfortable with your interests. This is probably her first contact with BDSM as it's practiced in real life. Up until now, probably the only idea of BDSM she's had is what she's seen in the popular media. It's too bad our kink gets that kind of exposure but the real thing doesn't make for an exciting story line. One thing you're going to have to do is explain to her that what she thinks she knows about BDSM is very different from what BDSM actually is, because the only sources she's had available to her aren't the most reliable.

I would suggest sitting down with her and asking for specifics - what does she think happens, what does she see as the dangers. Try to keep it as general as possible so that you're talking about The Practice of BDSM rather than Myra's Sex Life. That will minimize the possibility of the conversation being derailed by anyone's discomfort or defensiveness. When you know what exactly it is that's bothering her, you can explain what happens in the real world, as opposed to what's shown on Law and Order. You can tell her the precautions people, including you, take to ensure safety.

You can also show her some third party resources. You probably have some favorite web sites and books and some of these might be helpful. Here's one I especially like for this purpose: http://www.nlacolumbus.com/education/sm101/smbasic.html Information from other people will show her there's a lot of people doing this and in happy and healthy ways.

It's possible she won't be completely reassured, no matter how much information you share, but you can probably alleviate her fears a great deal. It looks like you and your mom have a great relationship. My sense is this will be a minor bump, because you're both so willing to take care of things before they become major issues. I wish you the best.

Mistress Violette