Expert: Mistress Violette - 3/31/2008

Question
This is more like a issue I'm having rather then a question , I'm going to explain as much as i can in hopes of getting different prospective.

I have been in the lifestyle for about 8 years , pretty much raised by Dom's. I got in to the lifestyle when i was 18 and trained under a Master for 2 years until i was 20 , that's some of my background. I'm very knowledgeable but still learning I'm a safe and well known rope top.Ive taken plenty of workshops and I'm good at what i do ! I consider myself a  Daddy Dom ..Because it fits me well !

I got involved with a baby girl sub(37) about a year and a half ago we have been living together for almost a year..Things were ok at first but she was very new and when we meant i was in a bit of a Dom drop from my last D/s relationship and was not really interested in training another sub formally..

So i let things takes its own path , somewhere along the way i fell in this vanilla kinda love with only a touch of D/s at first,but we constantly  powered struggled. I have never dated a vanilla..I'm not use to the way that kinda of relationship works ..She knew very little or should i say less then i thought she did...    

But she seems  thinks she knows how this is suppose to work. She thinks there is some kinda book that tells her how a D/s relationship is suppose to work ...I have told her that it no such thing and every relationship is based on the couple involved she doesn't seem to believe that and gets con screwed information from various blogs and apparently other troubled  sub/baby girl and bases our relationship on this...

I have told her she needs to be careful of the information she gets on the net because most of these people are poser's she continues to do it even after I have told her not too.

That information i believe has us where we are now! Which i know is a very unhealthy place for me  "I love this girl" with a love that many of my Sis and brother would say is  vanilla and that alone has allowed her to have more power then she should have...

When i tell her something she doesn't like or disagrees with she jumps out of char actor and in to vanilla roll which then takes me out of my Dom space and into a husband who is power struggling with her when this happens..
Tempers flare and  horrible things are said ( i have seen she has a very nasty temper) ..I have told her its ok to disagree but its an appropriate way she needs to do it ..In an argument she has told me to sit down, shut up these are things are unfamiliar to me and makes me furious  in 8 years of owning subs I have never in countered anything like this and i have to say i am at a lost

In the beginning of march we split up and me being in this vanilla love i mentioned, I pursued her in hopes of reconciling  and i let her see that i was not only a Dom but a man in love..during that time i allowed her to top me from the bottom ...after it was over she said the problems she felt we had was due to her need not being fulfilled (that was the first time she ever said that to me )

I have told her communication was one of the keys to a successful  D/s relationship yet she will hold things in until they come out in unhealthy ways and a he will lie to avoid an issue.

I took in to consideration  her feeling like a need weren't being meant and allowed  the first written  contract of our  relationship  .I allowed her to write it to give her free expression... I made additions  but  really wanted to see what she felt was lacking  and we signed ...

Just recently we had  a very nasty argument which should not have taken place it resulted in her yelling and screaming at the top of her longs and being totally out of control..We live in an apartment where that could have put us in danger of police coming out i choose to restrain her until she calmed down ..which resulted in us splitting up again she dishonored the contract completely ...


We still live together and have not spoken more then  10  words since the incident (march 27th) ,now i believe she is over her temper tantrum. Usually i would have given in and still felt that it was my responsibility to care for her...but I'm still very upset more like furious..


Of course this is not story in its full state  any questions you have please feel free to ask ...


                                                                                Dean  

Answer
Hello, Dean,

I'm happy to give you my perspective on this situation. I know how hard it is to see things clearly when you're in the middle. Still, you've picked up on some important trouble spots.

I'm going to start with a personal belief of mine and I want to stress that it's personal, because I know many other people think otherwise. I don't work with submissives new to BDSM who are under 21 and I prefer them to be 25 or over. I believe people need to experience vanilla relationships before committing to BDSM and that doesn't happen to a significant degree until we are well into our twenties. Vanilla is the benchmark. Even if we don't find it totally satisfying, we still have to know how to do it. I think much of the reason this situation is difficult for you is that you never had the chance to learn the basics.

That's part of the dynamic. Another is age. If my math is correct, you're 26 and she's 37. She's got a decade of experience on you and her relationship muscles are stronger than yours. She's better able to find your hot buttons and push them. It's apparent she's doing that. It's not the best way of relating and you really don't have a lot of experience at defending yourself against it. It's no wonder you're feeling frustrated and angry. Even though she might not be aware of it, she's trying to manipulate you.

My sense is this woman isn't a submissive. I'm all in favor of submissives having input, being creative, articulating their wants, and speaking up when there's a problem. That's a lot different than being belligerently defiant or yelling and screaming, especially yelling and screaming to the extent that the police might be called. Being that out of control is dysfunction, not BDSM. It's also dangerous for you. You didn't say you feared physical harm but it's something to think about. Being arrested for domestic violence is also a possibility.

There's more than the anger management problem, though. There are submissives who test, of course, but they want the dominant to have the power when all is said and done. This woman doesn't seem to have that mind set, nor is she open to learning from her dominant. It's possible she's dominant, if she's BDSM at all. If so, there are some issues present that would make it very hard for her to be a safe and healthy one. I'm tending to think she's vanilla, though, and just doesn't understand what BDSM is. Nor does she seem open to finding out.

So, put that all together. An older, experienced, essentially vanilla woman and a younger man with lots of BDSM experience and little romantic experience trying to relate. It's not an impossible situation but it's not exactly a recipe for success, either. To me, your style of BDSM is excellent. You recognize the individuality of each relationship, the need for communication and the need to be technically proficient in BDSM. There's no reason you shouldn't have a happy, healthy and, yes, loving relationship. I guess I would just question if it's possible with this partner.

I hope my take helps you in resolving your dilemma. I wish you the best. If there's more I can do, please let me know.

Mistress Violette