Expert: arani_CsA - 3/8/2008

Question
Hi, I'm new to the BDSM lifestyle. My Master is an experienced Dom who brought me into it. However I am still learning and He isn't very patient with me, and is always upset with me.
I've attempted talking with Him about this and it just makes Him more upset, He thinks I should just "know" how to be a Sub. I need help. Any suggestions, advice you can give would be appreciated. Thanks.


Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I do apologize for not answering it promptly, as I was out of the country on vacation.

You ask something that I hear a lot of new submissives and slaves wondering about.  Unfortunately (or perhaps luckily), being submissive is not something you DO.  It's something you ARE.  Submissiveness is not an action or a skill, but rather a personality trait.  It IS very possible, however, to learn how to express that trait, and to understand what it is within you that causes you to have that trait.

I strongly suggest that you become involved with a group of other submissives, who can share with you how they have learned to deal with this need within themselves, and give you suggestions as to how you can do the same.  The best way to do this, of course, is face to face or in person.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  It would be well worth it to become involved in a group that even meets at a little distance away, that you might be able to meet with only once a month or so.  If that is not possible, there are many on-line discussion groups made up of submissives and slaves -- I moderate one of those.  This is not something you can do by yourself.  You need the help and support of others who have been where you are now.

Spend some time every day thinking about what it is that draws you to this lifestyle.  Look deep within yourself as to the source of these needs, and how expressing these needs makes you feel.  Meditation works for some people; others keep a daily journal where they record their thoughts and feelings.

Now, with regards to the skills that you must use to please your Master, that is another story.  Some Masters enjoy training their slaves, others just don't want to be bothered by it and expect their slaves to figure out for themselves what they should be doing.  My Master is one of this latter group;  he expects me to use my intellect and my powers of observation to figure out what he likes and wants from me.  However, I have many friends who like to be micro-managed, with every moment of their life dictated to them.

Not every submissive can serve every Master.  Submissives do have needs, and a man who ignores those needs is not a Master -- even though he may call himself one.  A good Master will enjoy finding out what his slave needs, and use that to his own advantage.  He will cultivate her needs and take pride in ensuring that those needs are met.  I strongly encourage you to do some soul-searching, and determine just what it is that you need from a Master.  Are you getting that from your current Master?  If not, is he truly the Master for you?

Here are some good websites that you can make use of in your search:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck to you.  If you have further questions, please let me know.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius