Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/23/2008

Question
Recently, I have been experimenting in online BDSM as a sub. Several of the people I have met have simply treated me as a sex object...
 I was under the impression that my submission was a gift to be earned, is this inappropriate in the world of D/S??
 Submission comes in other forms that are not sex:  
Should a sub be treated with respect, and recognized limits, or are we simply toys to be sexed at will and then left bleeding in the street?!

Answer
Hello, Charlotte,

My sense is you got involved with some people who don't know much about BDSM, are game playing or both. One of the major tenets of healthy BDSM is that it be safe, sane and consensual. So if you were involved in a scenario that included what you described or something similar, you weren't with knowledgeable, careful players. Most likely you weren't with genuine BDSM people at all.

In most styles of BDSM, submissives are treated with respect. There are styles, however, in which submissives, both male and female, are used and treated as objects. The important thing is that this is something the submissive wants, the boundaries are negotiated and there is mutual agreement to them. In other words, it's consensual. Too, the dominant takes care not to harm his or her property.

That's why it's important to get to know any prospective play partners. People need to assess compatibility, to know they don't have conflicting styles. Since there are so many ways to do BDSM, the fact that someone is participating in a BDSM discussion is no guarantee of compatibility.

On a personal note, I'm uncomfortable with the notion of submission as a gift, in the sense of it being a present. I do think of it as something that must be given rather than taken. I believe it needs to be given to someone who has earned the submissive's trust, because the individual has proven himself to be a competent and careful dominant.

There are people who just play at BDSM. They often don't know the basics of sane and sane play. The reality is, since this is role they assume for cyber fun only, they don't really need to do that. As long as their partners are there for the same reason, it works out. The problems occur when someone who is seriously interested in exploring BDSM gets involved with these folks. I'm thinking that's what happened to you. Please don't let this unfortunate incident color your perceptions of what BDSM can be when done with thought and caring. I hope you'll add this experience to your cache of knowledge and keep learning, though perhaps with different people.

I wish you the best in your explorations.

Mistress Violette