Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/7/2008

Question
My fiancee and I recently started toying with BDSM. I really like to serve him and to be controlled, but not to a servere extent. We are both very new to this though, and are extremely nervous. What are some (SAFE!!!) ways for us to explore our new relationship (i.e. toys, methods, positions)? Thank you for your time and consideration.

Answer
Hello, Veronica,

Nervous is a good thing. :) Good practitioners of BDSM work hard to be sure their play is safe. You're on the right track, both with wanting to learn more before continuing to experiment and for being concerned about safety. Kudos to you both.

One of the wonderful things about BDSM is that what you do to express it depends on you. It's a question of exploring ideas and philosophies and putting together something that's comfortable for you. It's hard to suggest activities for someone else, because what excites one couple might bore another to tears. The best thing I can do for you is share some resources for you to look into. Once you do that, you'll be able to find ways to progress that you know will work for you.

It sounds like you and your fiancé plan to discover information together. That's very wise. As with all relationships, communication within a BDSM relationship is key. As you learn and plan together, you'll be negotiating, which is another important component of BDSM.

Here are some links with information about BDSM:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

These are books that might be helpful:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

Another good source of information is discussion groups. Search for something like "BDSM support groups." For now you'll probably just want to follow an online discussion. There are many fantasy players, so be aware and look for a group aimed at people who play in 3D rather than online. You want to learn from people whose experience is similar to what you're looking for. As you research and find things that appeal to you, you'll likely have questions. Most folks in these groups are happy to help polite newcomers with reasonable questions. And you can always come back here with additional questions, too.

That should get you started. You have an exciting journey ahead of you. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette