Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/12/2008

Question
I've always encouraged my wife to be dominant. I'd always hoped that it would translate to hot and heavy bedroom play. It hasn't turned out that way.
Instead, I've become her domestic slave: I do almost all of the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, morning and evening tending to our children. I work full time, she stays at home with the kids. I'm very happy with our life generally.
She has really gotten into teasing without any sex. She only now wears low rise jeans and tight tops. She walks around the house in very skimpy shorts and tee tight shirts. She really likes foot massages and back rubs. But whenever I try to initiate any type of sex, she'll tease me and say "sorry sweetie". I'm not even allowed to touch her, unless directed to for a massage.
She knows this is driving me crazy. But she seems to keep ramping it up. It's been almost a year since any form of intamacy. But here's my dilemma: I want her to be in control and be totally happy in her life, so I try not to complain and put up with the total lack of sex. My guess is that she must masturbate and get all hot about denying me this way. But she won't ever admit it.
She used to thank me after a weekend of spending almost every waking second cleaning and caring for the kids and cooking her favorite stuff. Now she usually points out the areas that need to be cleaned better, etc.
Am I really living my dream of serving her completely, even if there is no sex for either of us? I would appreciate any insights you might have.

Answer
Hello, Tim,

I have to say, it sounds like you've worked hard to make your dream of a BDSM relationship come true. There are those who would have restricted their "submission" to only what interested them. You went the extra mile to show your wife the many benefits of having a submissive. It seems you might have erred in thinking it would be a turn on for her. Instead, it's giving her a dream of a life while leaving you with questions.

"Serving her completely" in your mind means sex. To you wife, and to many dominants, it doesn't. At it's heart, BDSM, while sexy, is power play, not sex play. So some people can be fulfilled, satisfied, and doing BDSM even if there's no actual sex between the partners. I suspect your wife is quite happy with your service and thinks it's complete. The fact that you're asking this question says you don't.

BDSM relationships, no matter whether they are restricted to the bedroom or cover most aspects of life, often need to include recognition. It's true that the power is with the dominant and it's up to her to decide how and when the submissive is rewarded. The important piece here is that some submissives need to be rewarded. Most of the time the submissive will be satisfied with just being of service, regardless of what the service is. Still, it's important to recognize when a submissive is behaving well and to at least offer a reward. There are those who are uncomfortable accepting but there are others who would like for this to happen. While it seems your initial offer wasn't exactly selfless, since you were hoping the payoff would be heavy bedroom play, you've stuck to it, even in the face of not much thanks.

At this point, you can consider negotiating. I suspect there wasn't much of this originally. You probably didn't know how important a component it is but mostly you were grateful to your wife for even entertaining your request, let alone acting on it. But it makes no sense for you to continue down a road that isn't making you happy. That's going to become unhealthy eventually. Before it does, I suggest you act to change things in a way that's good for both of you.

Since you said you try to initiate sex, there seems to be more equality in this relationship than in a typical power exchange situation. That's in your favor, as you can bring up what's bothering you without feeling like you've violating some sort of protocol. Ask for what you need and ask your wife to do the same. There will be some give and take on both your parts. You're kind of going back to basics here to come up with something you can leave with as partners. It won't be easy, but it can be done. I wish you the best in balancing your relationship.

Mistress Violette