Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/19/2008

Question
I am curently talking to someone online/the phone. We have been talking for about three months and want to arange a meeting. He is incredibly sweet and I could see myself in a relationship with him. He is also into BDSM, which up until a few months ago I knew nothing about. He gave me a few links to some websites that would explain, and he loves talking about it. I have been raised to be independent, to be able to stand on my own. My mother was a feminist and she raised us with those values. Is it possible to be submissive JUST in the bedroom and be a strong confident woman outside of it?

Answer
Hi, Charli,

This is a great question, because you've hit on an important area of BDM. I think you're thinking submission is at odds with feminism. I could try to explain that it's not but I think you're better served to read the words of women who are both submissive and feminist:

http://www.thescreamergirl.com/nowsm.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/44881/does_submission_to_my_husband_mak...

I think the misconception that submissives are weak or dependent comes from lack of information and understanding. The misconception applies to male submission, as well. I frequently see submissive men being very careful to explain how "alpha" they are in business or sports. To me, that signals someone who needs to work on understanding the dynamic. On the outside, submission looks like being a sexual doormat. It takes some exploration to find that it's more than taking off the clothes and slipping on the handcuffs, to understand that erotic power exchange is much more than sex, and, especially, to realize how much strength it takes to submit.

Your friend is lucky to have found someone who is open minded and willing to explore. It's natural that he's hoping a woman with whom he's clicked so well will turn out to enjoy submission. Even so, I hope he's given you resources to learn about dominance, too. It's good to learn about all aspects of a new subject. When it's something with some risk, it's just smart to know what to look to for in a competent dominant. And don't rule out the idea that you might be dominant yourself. We're not a culture that encourages women's power, so many women come to BDSM with only the sub side in mind. To me, it just makes sense to look at all the possibilities, especially from a feminist perspective.

I wish you the best in your explorations. I hope you make some happy and exciting discoveries.

Mistress Violette