Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/1/2008

Question
My question is about someone who I met online.
I am a female sub who is attracted to male Doms, so I have had plenty of guys contact me. This one seemed really nice and attractive so I decided to give him a chance. He is nice enough person and acts very respectful, however as time goes on I have started getting this headache and feeling sick to my stomach whenever I think about the situation. Here are the details...
Even though we haven't met or talked about limits, he has started to demand that I do things (like masturbate at work, or send him  revealing pictures of myself).
He said he'd send me a nice picture, but it was of him with his hands down his pants!
He also ordered me to cut contact with all other potential Doms.  
Now he wants to meet me, but I feel like I'm going to be sick just at the thought of this. Do I really want to be naked and tied up with this guy?
So getting to the questions..
1. Is it normal for a Dom to make these requests before talking out negotiations before hand? I've only been with one other Dom and he was not like this!
2. How can I tell him I don't want to meet him without causing a big problem???
I'm a little ashamed at what I've already done for him, but mostly just afraid to say no. (That's probably a bad sign)
How do I get out of this one?! Please help. I know I made a mistake here, I just want to get out of it in one piece.

P.S. (He has no personal information beyond my first name, and (unfortunately) some pictures)  

Answer
Hello, Lina,

I think your gut feelings are spot on here so please don't ignore them. It's not appropriate for a dominant to make demands until you've talked about limits and until you've agreed to be his submissive. It could be that masturbating at work could jeopardize your job, for instance. Until he knows your situation well enough to know that order wouldn't endanger you it's not wise to make a demand like that. And until you've both clearly agreed to a power exchange relationship he shouldn't be acting as if you had.

It's clear from what you've written that you're uncomfortable with this situation. In that case, there's no reason to go any further with this. You can feel ok about no longer following any orders he's given you; there's no relationship there and you're under no obligation to follow the commands of anyone who self styles himself a dominant.

It doesn't matter if telling him you won't meet him causes a big problem. It's likely that actually meeting him would cause an even bigger one. He's unable to follow safe procedures now, when you're at a distance. That doesn't bode well for your safety when you're naked and tied up with this guy.

I'm not sure how you're communicating, whether by IM or phone. Either way, select the method that's most comfortable for you and tell him you've decided against continuing the relationship. You owe him no more than that notification, so don't get bogged down in explanations and arguments. Break the news politely and then close off communication with him.

There's not much he can do with only your first name and some revealing pictures. He may bluster and threaten but, if you don't act scared or give in, that's likely as far as he'll go.

I do think it would be helpful if you had some support at this time. Maybe you can confide in a friend, giving her just the vanilla details. You can also find a BDSM support group, either on or off line, by doing a search for that term. Sometimes we just need a little reinforcement, even when we know we're doing the right thing.

It doesn't appear that you're in an abusive situation and we can't know that it's headed that way. Even so, it never hurts to learn something new. I've listed some resources below that I hope you'll check out.

Please trust your instincts and do what you need to do to feel safe and happy. You don't owe this guy anything, but you do owe it to yourself not to ignore the red flags you're seeing. It might be easier than you think, actually. Even if it's not, it sounds like you'll feel significantly better when you've ended the communication and the relationship. So do this for yourself, because that's really the best reason.

Mistress Violette

nformation on BDSM and domestic violence:
http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml
http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/u.htm
http://www.butch-femme.com/dv.html

Links to groups:
http://domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&view_records...

The National Domestic Violence Hotline (24hour hotline)
http://www.ndvh.org/