AboutMaster Shadow Expertise Can answer your BD/SM Lifestyle questions regarding flogging, caning, paddles, whips, scening, fear play, wax play, sensual knife play, humiliation, fisting, anal, violet wands, clamps, cbt, ice play, books, breathplay including blood chokes, cuffs, collars, furniture, collaring ceremonies, links, gags, toys and other items used in the lifestyle, Will not answer questions regarding medical advice in regards to the Lifestyle. I am a sadist, married to a Domme, who is also a sadist, am the owner of two, and enjoy the 24/7 lifestyle.
Experience 31 Years experience in the BD/SM Lifestyle.
Organizations Terre Haute S.I.N. Social Interaction Network (CoFounder).
Publications Alt Magazine, on "Honor and Respect".
Education/Credentials , Member of The Dungeon Monitors Association, as well as The Violet Wand Guild, and life experience.
Question Please Read and give me your advice
My age is 25.My wife Suvetha also 25.(I am a software engineer and my wife is a Doctor, We are Indians).We married 6 months ago. My wife is sincere to me I also sincere to her.She is chaste and I also.We are running a happy life.She loves me I love her.After the marrige we watched porn movies and my wife was impressed by BDSM, then we went through some BDSM movies and books. She wanted herself to be a mistress and myself as slave. We started our BDSM only two weeks ago.
Now I come to my problem
My wife always enjoy dominating me.I also like this type of relationship.She sheduled a time table for dominating me(1 hour a day, 2 hours on Sundays).During our BDSM session She ties my hands or ties me with a pillar or etc and thus she completely takes over my control,then she do spanking, wipping, waxing, face-slapping, needling, biting, pinching, etc.She makes me to drink her saliva, gives me cake after making it a liquid with her saliva,She puts my nose in her ass for some minutes, She forces some difficult exercises-If I fail then she gives 50-60 hard canings or slapping. She uses new new methods so I always afraid about the next torture to be given by her.She is doing painful tortures even after I beg her to stop.When we discussed on this problem she said that she is really feeling sexual pleasure in giving tortures to me while I really beg for her mercy, in pain.These tortures are painful but they will not cause any type of harm to my body(As she is a doctor she knows that what will harm, So I am sure I am safe during BDSM).She is happy when I beg her in pain. But I was suffering during this BDSM session(These humiliations give me sexual pleasure mentally, but some are really painful).After the BDSM session we have our usual sex, and I can experience her love very much during this sex session rather than other sex sessions with her.(The reason may be she was cruel and beating me few minutes ago and now she is very kind,caring me and soft.).She respects me very much & she is rude during the BDSM time only.We are like friends in other times.
We love each other very much.In order to make my wife more happy I have to under go through these painful sexual humiliations during BDSM time.So please tell me that what are the wrong practices we are following and please suggest a better BDSM way to us.Which cause me less pain.Also please suggest us some good femdom guide books.
because both of us did not have any experience in sex and bdsm before our marrige.
I am waiting for your valuable advice. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Thank You
Rammohan
Answer First of all, let me congratulate you on your recent marriage. This is a blessed event, which should be honored and celebrated.
Now, on to business. Since the two of you are newly married, as well as new to the bdsm lifestyle, I will give this advice first. Slow down a little with play. Get to know each other more deeply. Get to know what each other likes, and dislikes. Get to know each other's interests as well. Build on these things.
Obviously, you enjoy humiliation. Many do. Put this on a list of the things you like, and wish to explore further. I get the feeling that you enjoy the pain as well, but wish things were not quite as painful as they are during your bdsm sessions.
Realize, one of the reasons to receive pain, a very important reason, is to reach subspace, a state of altered consciousness which leaves one feeling as if they were floating, almost like a high. This feeling is produced when the body releases endorphins, a natural pain killer produced by the body. These endorphins, when a sufficient level is reached, produce a narcotic like euphoria that can last for days.
In order for this effect to be produced, the pain must be applied slowly, over a period of time. Usually an hour is long enough time for many, although some take longer for this effect to reach a high enough level to be noticed by the person feeling the pain in a bdsm session.
There is a down side to this, though. It is called "subdrop". Subdrop is a nasty feeling that occurs when the body balances the endorphin levels several days after a session. The endorphin levels in the body will DROP BELOW NORMAL! This produces a feeling of depression, lethargy, neediness, insecurity, and general malaise.
It is during this time that it is important that your Mistress(Wife) comforts you, lets you know that you are a good slave, that you are loved, and cared for. Realize, there is more to being a dominant, or Mistress than just bossing you around, and causing you pain. She is responsible for your happiness, health, well being, and improvement.
Should She so desire, to improve your health, make you look better, and stronger, and increase the value of Her property (You), She could make you exercise, control what you eat to make sure that you eat a healthy meal, change the way you dress, choose your clothes, and haircut for you, things like this. Consider yourself, for the bdsm lifestyle, to be Owned by Her. This will make more sense out of the situation for both you and Her.
This is usually accomplished by using whips, floggers, canes, paddles, and clamps of increasing intensity. You start out with a hair flogger, like horsehair. This is used lightly at first, and only across the buttocks, shoulder blades, and thighs on the back of the body, then with more force until about 5 minutes have passed.
At this point, a more painful flogger is used, like elkskin. This is used as the first flogger was used, lightly at first, then with increasingly more effort with each blow, or strike of the flogger.
As indicated, each successive flogger, whip, paddle, or cane is more painful then the last, with the most painful, usually cowhide, being used lastly, as it is the most painful, unless specialty floggers are used.
The same with pinching, slapping, spanking(Striking the buttocks with hand, paddle, belt, or whatever)and other impact bdsm styles. They start out lightly, then increase in intensity until the strongest blows are given.
Clamps are a different story. Clothespins can be clamped to the breasts, scrotum skin, or even the corona of the penis. These are not overly painful at first, but become moreso over time. When removed, the returning circulation causes an intense pain for several minutes, which gradually wears off. The clamps, or clothespins are NOT to be left on the body for more than 20 minutes, or damage might occur. When removing the clamps, or clothespins, massage the area briskly for several seconds to insure that circulation has returned. IT also causes more pain, briefly.
Study books like "Screw The Roses, Give Me The Thorns", "BDSM101", "The Loving Dominant", and "Submissive Loving". These books are great recourses for information, and understanding your relationship with each other. Also check out websites like "CastleRealm.com for more information, and ideas.
Now, for the serious part of this answer, what to do. You, and your wife/Mistress need to sit down, and make out some lists. One list is called "Hard Limits". This list is the things that you will absolutely NOT do, under any circumstances. This list contains the things that you both agree not to violate, for ANY reason. This is the most important list, because it keeps you from becoming injured emotionally, or mentally, as well as physically. Make sure this list is as complete as you can get it. Have Her make one out for Herself as well. These are important.
The second list is "Soft Limits". These are things you really do not want to do, but will do if She forces it. You will do it because She is your Mistress, and wants it. You do these things for Her, but ONLY if She forces you to do them.
The third list is "Interests". These are the things YOU wish to try. The things that YOU wish to explore about yourself. This is the list your Mistress should be using the most when you are having a bdsm session, along with the second list. Realize, not every session should the second list be used. That should be for intermittent use, not every time. That is for the times your Mistress wishes to push you, and see how much you have grown into your position in the relationship.
Last, make up a contract, explaining what each of you expect in this relationship, how far each may go, what is expected from each party, who is in charge, and under what circumstances, how to handle complaints from either party during the contract, things like that. Make the contract for 6 months at first. Make the second contract for 6 months as well. The third contract should be for a year's duration.
If, at this point, you both feel that this is what you both desire, make the last contract for 5 years. If after 5 years, you both agree, make the contract lifelong.
No matter how you choose to do this, always be careful not to hurt each other. Remember why you wanted to try this in the first place, to explore each other, and yourselves as well. Grow together as a Mistress/slave couple. Do all things with honor. Always tell your Mistress EVERYTHING, even the things where you might, or will get into trouble. It builds trust. It shows honor. It shows pride in being owned by your Mistress and wife. It shows you are a man of your word.
Likewise, She should do the same. She should show pride in owning you. Remember, both of you. The slave GIVES up their power to the Mistress, or Master. It is the choice of the slave, or submissive to give this gift of control to their Dominant, Mistress, or Master. Always treat Your property with love, respect, and honor. Never lie to one another, for any reason. Trust is very important in this kind of relationship. Remember, you are putting your life, literally, in Her hands, to do with as She pleases, so long as no injury, or damage comes from it.
I wish you both well in your journey of exploration. Be safe in all things, be well in life, and have fun in life. If you need further information, please send me your concerns, I will be glad to help.
