Expert: Mistress Violette - 4/3/2008

Question
Please don't discard my question as it is too long.
My age is 25.My wife Suvetha also 25.(I am a software engineer and my wife is a Doctor, We are Indians).We married 6 months ago. My wife is sincere to me I also sincere to her.She is chaste and I also.We are running a happy life.She loves me I love her.After the marrige we watched porn movies and my wife was impressed by BDSM, then we went through some BDSM movies and books. She wanted herself to be a mistress and myself as slave. We started our BDSM only two weeks ago.
Now I come to my problem
My wife always enjoy dominating me.I also like this type of relationship.She sheduled a time table for dominating me(1 hour a day, 2 hours on Sundays).During our BDSM session She ties my hands or ties me with a pillar or etc and thus she completely takes over my control,then she do spanking, wipping, waxing, face-slapping, needling, biting, pinching, etc.She makes me to drink her saliva, gives me cake after making it a liquid with her saliva,She puts my nose in her ass for some minutes, She forces some difficult exercises-If I fail then she gives 50-60 hard canings or slapping. She uses new new methods so I always afraid about the next torture to be given by her.She is doing painful tortures even after I beg her to stop.When we discussed on this problem she said that she is really feeling sexual pleasure in giving tortures to me while I really beg for her mercy, in pain.These tortures are painful but they will not cause any type of harm to my body(As she is a doctor she knows that what will harm, So I am sure I am safe during BDSM).She is happy when I beg her in pain. But I was suffering during this BDSM session(These humiliations give me sexual pleasure mentally, but some are really painful).After the BDSM session we have our usual sex, and I can experience her love very much during this sex session rather than other sex sessions with her.(The reason may be she was cruel and beating me few minutes ago and now she is very kind,caring me and soft.).She respects me very much & she is rude during the BDSM time only.We are like friends in other times.

We love each other very much.In order to make my wife more happy I have to under go through these painful sexual humiliations during BDSM time.So please tell me that what are the wrong practices we are following and please suggest a better BDSM way to us.Which cause me less pain.Also please suggest us some good femdom guide books.
because both of us did not have any experience in sex and bdsm before our marrige.
I am waiting for your valuable advice. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Thank You

Rammohan

Answer
Hello, Rammohan,

You're lucky you and your wife have a similar interest in BDSM. What's not so lucky is that you didn't have the right tools for learning about it. The result is BDSM that is too intense for you. That's not a good thing and can even be cause for concern. Let's see if we can get you both going in a more productive direction.

If she has watched vanilla porn movies, I think your wife would agree that they wouldn't be good models for a man to use to learn how to please a woman. The same is true for BDSM. What you see in most movies is designed to stimulate and titillate. It's not meant to be a how to. I think it's great that you're both willing to experiment. You just need better guides. I'm going to list some books and web sites at the end of this message.

I want to share some important points. In real life BDSM you'll often hear the words "safe, sane and consensual." That means that BDSM needs to be not just physically safe but emotionally safe. Even though your wife is not harming your body, if you're very unhappy because of what she's doing, the play isn't safe. If she's inhumane in her play, it's not sane. And since this doesn't sound like it was negotiated, it doesn't seem like it's genuinely consensual. BDSM can be done in many different ways but, regardless of the style of BDSM, it has to be satisfying and fulfilling for both partners. If not, it risks becoming abuse.

Partners in a BDSM relationship have to talk about their wants and needs. Not every submissive finds pain play exciting and it's not appropriate for a dominant to use intense forms of it on someone who hasn't agreed to it. No matter what you see or read in fiction, dominants don't just force their wills on submissives. There's a good deal of learning and negotiation before they play. I'm going to suggest that you and your wife discontinue the activities you've been doing and spend some time learning and talking about BDSM together.  Together you can design a style of BDSM what works for both of you. Doing that style of BDSM can be at least as fulfilling for her as what she's been doing and probably even more so. Like a conventional relationship, BDSM's goal is mutual enjoyment. It's just that it's achieved in an unconventional way.

Here are some links with information about BDSM:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Here are book recommendations. I have three for you. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

I hope you and your wife will explore these resources together and find a way to practice BDSM that's exciting and fun for you both.

Mistress Violette