Expert: arani_CsA - 5/31/2008

Question
QUESTION: Is there a place where a Pperson can go to see what things are possible within a OnLine BDSM relationship that would be considered ~ by Oothers ~ to be *normal* bdsm interactions...

My OnLine submissive is married and although his Wife (and RW Domme) is aware of Oour OnLine relationship, She feels *what it is that W/we do* is not so much bdsm as it is his way of stepping outside his marriage... Wwe (the 3 of Uus) have talked and do want the relationship to continue, but not in a sexual way, and not anything that would occupy his time when I was not online.... any suggestions??

ANSWER: Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  I hope I can help you find the answers you are looking for.

There is no "norm" for BDSM relationships, just as there is no norm for relationships in the vanilla world.  Basically, your relationship is what you want it to be, and what you make it.  There are many, many different possibilities, and part of the excitement of it all is exploring just what is possible.  I know of many people who are married, to a spouse who participates in the lifestyle or who does not, and yet also has an on-line relationship.  It's also not uncommon for the off-line partner to know of the on-line relationship, and to approve and contribute.  As long as everyone is being honest with everyone else, and no one's getting hurt, then anything goes.

There are many people in M/s relationships who don't enjoy or participate in S/m activities.  Not all submissives and slaves are masochists.  Some -- for instance, some Goreans -- don't like to say that they are part of the BDSM community, because they consider what they do more of an overall whole-life philosophy, rather than a shared recreational activity.  But, to my mind, what you call what you do isn't as important as the fact that everyone involved is happy and safe.  Oh, and not everyone in our lifestyle wants or needs a sexual relationship.  There are many service submissives out there.

I suggest that you get involved with one of the many on-line communities for people who share our lifestyle.  These can be found through Yahoo groups, or through many other websites that provide such discussion forums.  Here you can speak to others who share your interests, observe how they interact with each other, and learn from them.  

Good luck to you.  If you have any other questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am a member of several Yahoo BDSM Groups, which I participate in OnLine only, and 2 Groups that I attend meetings and play parties. I know that very few P/people who participate in OnLine BDSM are willing to step up and say, *these are the activities M/my O/one and I/i enjoy*, but that is what I am looking for...a list of things that O/others have found have added to T/their OnLine BDSM experience and enhanced or expanded T/their OnLine relationship.

O/our OnLine relationship is approaching a 2 year anniversary, so it is not that W/we do not know HOW to be a BDSM couple, it is that W/we have reached the end of the experiences W/we are aware exist. W/we want to expand Oour OnLine experiences but have run out of information of what else MIGHT be pleasurable within the BDSM OnLine experience.

There are lists of RealTime BDSM activities, the majority  of the Ppeople I know have a copy of this list in some form or another, to look at and see ideas to expand the BDSM experience. Things O/one might not even think of themselves let alone agree to try...is there no list for OnLine BDSM activities as well?

I appreciate that *WIITWD* is different within every relationship, but if I had not seen *toilet training* as a BDSM activity, I would have never thought to ask if My submissive would be interested in exploring this venue.  

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for clarifying your question.

To be specific, I have never seen a list of on-line activities such as you mentioned.  However, I'm going to have to say that the limits of such things are only governed by your imagination.  I'm aware of the list you mentioned, used more to determine preferences and limits, but there are hundreds more things that I have seen done that are not on that list.  

Unfortunately, you are running into the same problem that most on-line couples eventually encounter.  There's only so much that you can do while sitting at a computer, or at a distance.  This is one of the reasons that strictly on-line collars rarely stay on for long.  Most people either become bored or move on to off-line matters.  

I think what would help is to sit down and come up with a list of what it is that you get out of being in a BDSM relationship, and also what you get out of an on-line relationship.  Different people want different things.  Speaking for myself, I enjoy a service-related slavery, with personal transformation at the hands of my Master as my overall goal.  Others enjoy physical forms of play, such as S/m activities.  

Something as basic as brushing your teeth can be considered a BDSM activity, if you do it at the times and in the manner specified by the Master.  Or if you do it while wearing a vibrating butt plug.  If you're looking for play activities, visit the Deviant's Dictionary, or some other list of things other people do, and see if you can devise a way to carry those over into the on-line spectrum.  Anything in the auto-erotica mode works well here, as the bottom in such a relationship is essentially engaging in directed masturbation.  If personal transformation is your goal, attending cooking classes or learning to belly dance or sky dive, or anything that is a new skill, counts here.  Or perhaps more spiritual endeavours.

Without knowing what kinds of things you like, it's really hard for me to tell you what to do.  You just need to use your imagination.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius