Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/29/2008

Question
My wife and I had talked about BDSM play for several years. We are active swingers and have played apart in the past. I am currently overseas with the military and return home in three weeks. She discovered a Dom online three months ago. It started out, apparently to me, to be just play. She relayed the stories to me and they were quite exciting. I asked upon my return if I could try. She replied that area is her Dom's domain. They have spent every weekend together for three months and nights during the week. They recently spent a weekend at a club in the south and sent pictures to me. My wife stated that she had been collared by him and displayed a very elaborate collar in the pictures. She stated she never takes it off. Last week I thought I was talking to her alone while she was in our bed at our home. The conversation was going so well it cheered my spirits up tremendously. I asked her if she would exchange our marriage vows all over again in her parents very nice garden. She was on the verge of crying from apparent joy and accepted. She asked who should we invite. I mentioned some close family friends and of course her family. I then heard a voice directly next to her ask "what about me"? I was shocked that she would accept my offer while lying in our bed with her Dom. I am devastated this occured. I immediately wrote her and stated how hurt I am. I also mentioned to her that I am more than willing to learn with a Dom we can both pick out and is acceptable to both of us. She replied to me it's not what I think. I asked her to end the relationship and she again replied it's not what I think. I kept telling her I will learn, she could teach me. I also stressed we could find a mentor, I have, to teach both of us.

My perception is she does not want me for anything except money and insurance.

What is going on? What do I do?

Thanks.

Answer
Hello, Wayne,

I'm not an expert on swinging so I'm wondering if you and your wife had some sort of agreement in effect. It could be formal or informal, something that spelled out any limits, so you would both be comfortable with what was going on and would feel secure in your relationship. If you had something like that for the swinging, your wife may not have understood that you needed something similar for the BDSM. if you didn't have something like that, it's not unreasonable for her not to think of it for BDSM. The unfortunate thing is, she's now not understanding how important it is.

People who are new to BDSM often think they know exactly what it is. They become involved with people who have the same concept and who reinforce that concept. If the concept works well, there's no problem. It's when the concept isn't totally compatible with the way someone needs to live, as in this case, that there's a problem. Your wife has bought into the notion that her dominant controls all her decisions. That isn't how it has to be, especially because your wife is also inadvertently giving her dominant control over your life, which is neither fair nor the reality.

I think you're right in thinking the two of you need to learn about BDSM together. I don't promote mentoring that tells someone How It Has To Be. To me, a good mentor helps a newcomer learn about BDSM and put together his or her own style. After that, it makes sense to find a mentor to help develop that particular style. But, really, you can learn the basics on your own by reading and you can develop your style by becoming involved in a group and learning from lots of different people. You've been away for a while and in a situation that's been difficult for both of you. You'll be doing many things to reconnect and one of them could be exploring ideas about BDSM together.

It is what you think. It's also what she thinks. The two of you are partners. Whatever you ultimately do in BDSM is a decision you need to make together. The one person who's thoughts aren't binding is the dominant. When considering your marriage he doesn't have a vote. In fact, if your marriage is solid, he's expendable.

It's possible some of the trouble you're having with communication is due to the distance. You might consider keeping your wife aware of your feelings but waiting until you get home for the most serious discussions. It's probable that what you think will become much more important when you're actually in the same room.

I want to emphasize that there's nothing wrong with your reactions. While we both want to give your wife the benefit of the doubt, it's certainly possible she's having an affair while telling herself she's innocently engaged in some BDSM swinging. Gaining some knowledge of BDSM should be helpful for you both in distinguishing between the two.  Here are a couple of sites I encourage you to check out:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms - very useful site)

I suggest a combination of information gathering and honest and supportive communication. You need to determine what the two of you want for your marriage and figure out how the two of you can make it work. If that involves one or more third parties, plan for them together, knowing your partnership comes first.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Mistress Violette