Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/18/2008

Question
QUESTION: I have been "seeing" this guy for over a year. Usually once a month or so he punishes and takes control over me. It pretty great. He lives with his girlfriend who has no idea i am around which drives me crazy, but i really don't have any kind of say in his life. Well, last night he told me that next time i see him he is going to take me to another dom, who is a woman, and have her spank me. I don't like the idea of three. I am not "throwing a fit" it is just something i don't want to do, but with the nature of our relationship, i don't really have a vote. (I tried to ask him these questions and he simply told me to trust him...)

So the question is, what do i do? If i say no, i know he is going to leave me, which i think will have more of an impact on me than i want to admit. The thought of having him sit in the living room and listen to someone else punishing me, makes me uneasy. I have him in my life for a reason, I feel like this addition is completly not needed. Advise?

ANSWER: Hello, Anna,

Unless you've consented to non-consent, which probably isn't wise in a part time relationship, it's time to renegotiate. It sounds like this type of play is a limit for you. Since you haven't encountered it before, I suspect it's not something you considered during your original negotiation. It's no one's fault that it hasn't come up before. The thing is, it's come up now and your dom needs to deal with it, not push it aside by telling you to trust him. This is a genuine problem for you and it's his responsibility to help resolve it.

You said if you pushed this he would leave. I guess my question then is, is this really the dom you want? Competent dominants don't abandon submissives who ask questions or voice concerns; they cherish them. A BDSM relationship is based on trust, yes, but it thrives and grows because of communication. It doesn't seem like this man is encouraging that important aspect.

I'm sure you've thought of this yourself, the trust issue. This man has a girlfriend and he's told her nothing about his relationship with you. If he isn't honest with her he has the potential not to be honest with you. That's not a good basis for any relationship, let alone a BDSM one.

Female submissives are very much in demand so it's not like this man is the only game in town. Although he is important to you, he may not be the best fit for you. There may be someone else you can have in your life who fulfills your desires even better. I suggest you take a long, hard look at this relationship. Ask yourself if you're really getting what you need from it and if it's worth the discomfort it causes. Then you can decide if it's worth the risk of asking for what you want. I suspect the answers may surprise you.

Mistress Violette



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The problem is, when I am around him I take on a different role. I don't have to be in charge or make any kind of decisions, he is truly in charge of everything until he leaves. The feeling in the room changes and I become so aware of just him and his thoughts on me. And he is the only person in my life who knows I have this side to me, so opening it up to another person, just seems wrong.

How do I break off something I really don't want to give up?

Answer
Hello, Anna,

If I'm understanding you correctly, it looks like you've chosen not to go with the third party session. Even so, the option of trying to talk the situation over with your dominant still exists. You have your suspicions about what the result will be but you don't really know until you try.

The fact that you have your suspicions is why I suggested you really evaluate your relationship. What you've described is what many submissives feel and what many dominants provide. If he doesn't want to negotiate and you can't do the third party session, it's possible the relationship will end. It will be an unhappy time but he's not the only dominant in the world. In time, if you want to, you can find someone with whom to have those feelings again.

You need to do what's best for you. I just think you also need to be aware of possible options before making that decision. So, determine what's important and make that happen, knowing that you're prepared if there is fall out.

Mistress Violette