Expert: Master Shadow - 5/28/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi,
  I really need some help and advice. I was married to my husband for 5 years and we have a 4 year old daughter. I was unhappy and went outside the marriage. I was interested in the bdsm Lifestyle before I met this man. My husband has threatened to take my daughter away from me because of this lifestyle. She has never been around this nor do I intend to expose her to this. His family is scared for me. I have never put my daughter in danger. I am a teacher as well and he has threatened to tell my job.
I guess my first question is can I actually lose custody of my daughter for this?
How can I fight back? or can I?
I live in new york
Teri
p.s I cannot afford a lawyer

ANSWER: This is a sticky situation, especially due to the bad light that bdsm Lifestylers are shown in by the media. Add to that the "Moral Majority", which is neither moral, nor are thay the majority.


First I would need to know exactly how much does your husband know?
Secondly, has he filed yet? If not, you might have a slight advantage by being able to file first. Use incompatability, or the like as the cause. I think irreconcilable differences is how it is stated.

The main factor against yuou isn't the Lifestyle so much, but the fact that you went outside of the marriage. If he can prove this, you might be in trouble. Infedelity, to the courts, is a big no no. It shows that you aren't interested enough to try to reconcile the differences.

There are free legal agencies, some which are actually kink friendly, and help to get Lifestylers a fair shake, despite what the media says about U/us.

http://www.lawhelp.org/NY/index.cfm/County/%20/City/%20/demoMode/%3D%201/Languag


I would try the law office below, which is kink friendly, and if you mention the internet ad, will be entitled to a free half hour consultation. They may not be free, but I'm sure they can help you by directing you to another attourney who can help, or take the case on a contingincy basis if nothing else.



New York

Diana Adams, Esq.; Diana Adams Law; dianaadams1 (at) gmail (dot) com; 123 Remsen St, 2nd floor; Brooklyn, NY 11216. 877-680-5743. http://www.dianaadamslaw.com. 718-624-3926. Diana Adams has an open-minded, kink and polyamory-aware family law practice, with extensive experience with divorce, child custody, domestic violence, and other family law litigation and negotiation. She will be the Polyamory NYC guest speaker for September 2007 and will speak in Central Park in October 2007 about the topic of polyamory and the law. With mention of referral from this website, you are welcome to a free half hour phone consultation about your issue.

In my opinion, for too long have people been using the Lifestyle against U/us to get their way, and ride roughshod over anyone involved in bdsm. They use it to blackmail any who do not just roll over.

More, and more, I am seeing Lifestylers portreyed in the proper light. It might not be totally acceptable yet, but time are changing.
You might also check for munches and sloshes of bdsm groups near you. They might have a few lawyers in the Lifestyle, or know where you can get the proper help with this. Realise, I'm not legal counsel. I can't appear in court with you, nor do I have any credentials that could help. I'm just me. I try where I can to help, but cannot change the way We're looked at by society.

It's not only you, but Lifestylers all over the world need to stand proudly in their beliefs. They need to show the world that We are not a bunch of crazed lunatics who molest children, and kidnap people off the streets to torture and torment them.

I wish you the best Life has to offer, and wish you the best of luck in your delemma. Please feel free  to send for further info if needed. Meanwhile, I will continue to research for anything that might be of help.  Below are some links that might be of some assistance.


ACLU
Lesbian & Gay Rights: State Sodomy Statutes
http://archive.aclu.org/issues/gay/sodomy.html  
    
BDSM and the Law
BDSM Law Links
http://www.io.com/~ambrosio/law/  
   
Bisexual Resource Center
Resource for Bisexual Freedom
http://http://www.biresource.org/   
    
Chicago Leather Club
Serving the Lifestylers, and fetishist
http://www.chicagoleatherclub.org/   
    
Equality
Sexual Equality
http://www.ifhr.org/   
   
Federal and State Obscenity Statutes
Obscenity laws are another area of concern - usually vague, they are often used by law enforcement to prosecute where no other offense has been committed or can by proven. This site explores obscenity laws state by state as well as federal.
http://www.moralityinmedia.org/nolc/index.htm?statutesIndex.htm  
   
Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders - GLAD
Celebrating its 25th anniversary year, Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD) is New England’s leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression.
http://www.glad.org/   
    
Human RIghts Campaign
http://www.hrc.org/   
    
LAMBDA
LAMBDA is a non-profit, gay / lesbian / bisexual / transgender agency dedicated to reducing homophobia, inequality, hate crimes, and discrimination by encouraging self-acceptance, cooperation, and non-violence.
http://www.lambda.org/  
    
Mann Act
Information on the Mann Act
http://wise.fau.edu/~tunick/courses/conlaw/mann.html  
    
NOW S/M Policy Reform Project
http://members.aol.com/NOWSM/Home.html   
    
National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
NCSF is an excellent organization, very vocal both politically and in the legal arena in protecting the rights of and advocating for alternative lifestyles. Visit this site often to know what is going on. I highly recommend that you join and support this highly respected organization.
http://www.ncsfreedom.org/   
    
Privacy Laws by State
Privacy laws are conversely in our favor. This site examines privacy laws on a state by state basis.
http://www.epic.org/privacy/consumer/states.html   
    
Rumpoule's BDSMD/s and the Law
http://gloria-brame.com/domidea/rumpoule.htm   
    
Sex Laws by State
This is a good source to begin looking at how various state statutes alone, or interrelated can impact our lifestyle.
http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/2269/index.html   
    
Sodomy Laws
Sodomy laws are often used by law enforcement to prosecute practitioners of alternative lifestyles. This excellent site examines sodomy laws state by state.
http://www.sodomylaws.org/   
    
The American Civil Liberties Union
The ACLU has a section devoted to protection of gay and lesbian rights. Not an alternative lifestyle organization per se, but still, they have some helpful information.
http://www.aclu.org/LesbianGayRights/LesbianGayRightsMain.cfm   
    
The Spanner Case
This is one of the benchmark cases on the issue of consent in bdsm activities. The case is from Britain, but the principles are very important.
http://www.barnsdle.demon.co.uk/span/span1.html   
    
Yahoo - BDSM & the Law
Yahoo has a section devoted to bdsm legal issues - probably not the most comprehensive source on the web, but worth looking at.
http://d2.dir.dcn.yahoo.com/society_and_culture/sexuality/legal_issues/   
    




I hope this is in some way some small help to you.



         SINcerely in Leather,
         Master Shadow.


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello again,
Okay my husband knows I cheated on him and that I am into bdsm because I tried with him and he found some sites on the computer I was looking at. There is a picture he friend found on bdsm-lifestyle.com.It was taken down before he could print it. Also there were some on slavefarm.com but they wont take it down but it is impossible to find now.I am not worried about the divorce so much I just want child support for our daughter. I am just worried more about custody. He is using her as a pawn to make me miserable cause he is miserable. He told me on more then one occasion that he is going to make my life miserable cause that's what I did to him. He says give up the man and lifestyle and he will drop custody fight. He even says to me that I have someone who loves me and he has nothing.But again he wants to make my life miserable. I filed for custody first cause I was told to.










ANSWER: Have you tried compromise? It seems here that he is more hurt than anything else. Realize, it's hard at times for a man to admit they have been hurt. It's an ego thing, not wanting you to know that you struck so deeply.

How do you feel about him? Obviously, there was something there between the two of you in the beginning, else you would not have married. Explain to him that you went outside of the marriage not for sex, but for the bdsm itself. I am sure you have spoken about this with him before.

Offer to leave the other man out of things if you can get even a little of what you need. Explain to him that the need was that great, that it reached a point where it affected your judgement. That you need this, and need it bad in your life. Explain how it feels to need this, the longing for it that pervades your life, whether it was caused by past life issues, or just a deep desire that cannot be just pushed aside.

Explain to him how you feel he isn't giving you what you need, nor even are willing to compromise on this. There are some very mild ways to bring him towards fulfilling your needs. Let him know how much it hurts not to get what you need so bad. Trust me, I have been there before myself, I know the longing, the need very well, as my wife and I are Old School.

Also, explain to him that many people have actually had their past issues laid down because of the lifestyle. My wife is one of them. Molested by a family member when a child, and two failed marriages to abusive men left Her with many past issues. Thanks to the lifestyle, She has gotten better, stronger, more confident, and grown beyond Her past issues to become a very strong Dominant.

She is happier now, stronger than She ever was before. You haven't said anything about what, exactly, you are into, so I do not know how deep your involvement is in the lifestyle. It might help with the rest of my answer to you.

I truly hope this helps. Realize, it's time to put aside the past hurt, even for a bit, and actually talk TO each other, not come at each other with accusations. Obviously, the accusations have some merit, or else the two of you wouldn't be where you are now. It's often hard to put aside the pain, and actually converse. You both already know what happened, that is not in question. The question is, where do you go from here? The two of you have a very wonderful child. What of the child? How will that child feel when this is all over? You both have a responsibility to this child, regardless of the past. Salvage, not destroy. Fix this. It's hard, harder than just walking away. It's also the responsible thing to do. The adult thing to do. Above all else, do NOT use your daughter as a weapon against each other. Please, whatever happens, don't do that to your child! It was done in Our family when I was young. It hurts. It hurts bad.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I am sorry if I mislead you but I am not planning on getting  back with my ex. I have been working with him from day one, I have not been mean, in fact I have taken verbal abuse from him. I don't think that trying to explain the need of the BDSM to him cause in his eyes that is the problem and the reason he wants sole custody of our daughter. I am a very good mother and have never exposed her to anything nor do I plan to. I have just gotten into the lifestyle and compared to some of the things I have seen I am on the tame side. I am into light bondage, nipple clamps, I am bicurious and would like to be shared, paddling, flogging. I also have a deep deep desire to please, ,that has always been my personality. I have just started my training so I am not that deep into yet, except daily simple chores that have to do with my body. As I said before I am not with Master full time in fact he lives an hour away. If you wish to have anymore info please feel free to email me again. Thank you so much for all of your help.

Answer
I guess then that my next question would be has He ever actually seen anything to do with bdsm? Or is He basing His judgement on nothing more than rumor, and what the media says about it? Without actually knowing what He is talking about, how can He even begin to pass any kind of informed judgement?

Realize, the media only shows bad things about the bdsm lifestyle. They do not show the depths of love, the devotion, the happiness, nor the trust that a D/s couple, or S/m couple have between them. They never tell about how many have actually come to terms with their past.
There is a video, I believe it's called "BDSM, A Different Kind Of Loving", where actual bdsm life is shown, without the hype, without the sensationalism, and most importantly, without the judgement. They show it how it really is. It helps those who do not understand to have a better idea of what Lifestylers are about.

One other thing you haven't touched on is your husbands religious background. Does He attend church, or have strong beliefs? Sometimes that is the reason behind the animosity. Quite honestly, I have always felt that if God had a problem with my involvement in the Lifestyle, He would have told me so.

Wishing you the best of luck, and hoping to hear from you soon. Please keep me advised of things, ok?


         SINcerely in Leather,
         Master Shadow.