Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/24/2008

Question
Hello,
I need some help and quick. I was married to my husband for almost 6 years but have been together for almost 19. We have a 4 year old daugher together. I was unhappy in my marriage and I had a strng interest in bdsm. I did some online play and phone as well until I met the man I was meant to be with. My husband is threating to take my daughter from me if I do not give up this man and the lifestle. Also I am a teacher and he has threatened to tell my job as well. What are my rights? Can I actually lose my daughter for this? She has never met this man and I do all I can for her. My husband and sister think I need professional help.

Answer
Hello, Teri,

There have been situations in which people have lost custody due to BDSM or where being involved in BDSM had an impact on a job. It doesn't always happen but it happens often enough that you're going to need a good, and open minded, attorney to help you. Be sure s/he understands that BDSM is not a psychological dysfunction. If s/he has little BDSM knowledge, be certain s/he is open to learning. Here are some sites with information on BDSM and custody issues.

Your attorney may find this article to be of interest: http://www.ingentaconnect.com/content/haworth/jh/2006/00000050/F0020002/art00011...

There's a small section on custody on this page: http://www.bearpair.com/slavemike/law.htm

This article talks about some important issues: http://www.ipgcounseling.com/psychology_and_bdsm.html

You may need expert information about the fact that you don't need professional help. There's a list of kink aware professionals on this site: http://www.ncsfreedom.org/index.php?option=com_keyword&id=270 If there isn't anyone close to you, try asking in a local BDSM support group. Find one here: http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/meetppl.html Although this is a list of groups for meeting people, some have active on line discussion boards. You can ask for referrals to attorneys or therapists. You might even find people who have been in a situation similar to yours and can give you advice and support.

Situations like this are difficult and frustrating. People can be ignorant about BDSM and fearful, so they use it to hurt others. I would hope your sister would be an ally and be willing to learn and understand, so she can support you now, when you really need her. She doesn't sound like the mother in this question http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/2008/3/explaining-BDSM-family-member.htm  some of the suggestions in that answer might still apply.

I hope this helps, Teri, and I wish you the best in this trying situation.

Mistress Violette