Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/30/2008

Question
Hello, Mistress Violette. I am a Domme and recently started a sm relationship with a male sub. We are working on it. The funny thing is that he is a strong man with dominant personality in the real life. He is professional, smart (or even intelligent), funny, creative, out-spoken, charming and well-communicated. With all these qualities, most of time he is a leader and trainer that many people follow, admire and even worship. On the other hand, he has a strong desire to kneel and serve a Mistress (that is me now.) Though I have had some experiences in sm, most of them were merely some sex game or just for fun. He didn't have much real time experiences either. But now both of us realize that we want this more than just some kinky sex, meaning, the power control would be beyond the bed and maybe affect many aspect of our life. So here comes the questions. How can we balance the sm life and the work and our social life? How can someone be a sub/slave who has less control of his or her life but still stand strong and smart in public? I believe that in the process I am traing him as a sub/slave, I change him a bit. Somehow I am afraid that if he is completely submissive to me, will he become an idiot who cannot think or do anything by his own? I guess that is the difference between a male and female sub. If the latter is broken down mentally, you can keep her in your house, as a pet 24/7. But I don't think I can do that. To be realistic, he still has to work to support himself or probably both of us. In short, I wonder how to handle a man who has sub potential and also has strong personality.
Sorry, I am rambbling a bit. I hope that you won't mind and I hope that you would give me some advice. Or maybe maybe some resource online you may give me a reconmmendation.
Thanks and regards,
Lilith

Answer
Hi, Lilith,

You're correct to distinguish BDSM from kinky sex. That's an excellent beginning for what you and your partner want to accomplish. It's just the beginning, though, and from your questions I can see you need some additional information before you can reach your goals.

The first think you need to rethink is your concept of a submissive. You're still holding on to an inaccurate stereotype. It's not at all unusual for a submissive, male or female, to be a strong, intelligent person. That's exactly the sort of person many doms are looking for. After all, it wouldn't be much fun to have a doormat submitting to you. :)

A dom's job is not to break a sub down mentally. This is a fine fantasy and there are even some people who practice a version of it, but this is not part of most BDSM people's real life. What you want is someone who gives you his submission while remaining a whole person.

Your submissive serves you, not everyone else, not even other dominants, useless that's something you have him do. There's really no reason for his submission to you to effect him outside your relationship, not at work, not with friends and family. It's really not a question of balancing BDSM and other aspects of your life. You're still the same people you were before. All that will change is the dynamic within your particular relationship.

I'm glad you asked for some resources because there are some books and sites that will give you the information you need. I have some favorite books I like to recommend. There are three for starters. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

Dom Sub Friends is a site that's been around for quite a while, as sites go. They have an internet magazine you might find helpful: http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/

This site is great for an overview of BDSM, resources and ideas for play: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

You have the intelligence and the desire, I think. All you're lacking is the information you need to work out how BDSM will best work for you, your style. Poke around a little, see what resonates with you and go from there. As long as it's safe, sane and consensual, there's no one right way to do BDSM. Put together your own philosophy and style, something you both can live with and that makes you happy. Then enjoy!

Mistress Violette