Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/9/2008

Question
I'm having a lot of trouble sorting out my feelings about my husband of seven years. After a period of really shutting me out, he informed me that now he knows he's submissive, and he wants more penetration, teasing, and domination during sex. In earlier periods of our relationship I had used a strap-on but didn't conceptualize it as bdsm - I knew that some men find stimuation of the prostrate very pleasurable. Apparently he was thinking about it all in terms of bdsm. He also wants to cross dress, again apparently conceptualizing it as part of his submissive outlook. I'm having trouble with what I perceive as the eroticization of power in all of this, the seeming equation of femininity with submission, and the feeling like somehow it's all about his pleasure, and his pleasure is now being made my responsibility. Imbalance of responsibilities has been a real-life issue in the relationship as well. I also wonder whether this is a step in the evolution to a fuller gay identity for him - he'd dated men before we married. I need to speak with someone who can possibly offer me insight into the bdsm mindset and, and could help me interpret the situation so that I can make an informed judgment about my needs and preferences in all of this.

Answer
Hello, Agnes,

You have a remarkable grasp of what's wrong with your husband's conception of submission. You're exactly right, he's eroticizing power and making it all about his pleasure. What should be happening is that he desires the power exchange and understands that submission is about deriving pleasure from being controlled. That would mean doing what you want him to do, not doing what he wants you to do. What he's actually asking, though, is to give up control only after he's scripted exactly what's going to happen. That's not submission. Your husband is what's known in some circles as a "do me." He doesn't want to really submit, he just wants to get done. He's not asking you to help him experience an alternative sexuality; he's asking you for kinky sex. There's nothing wrong with that, but it will work out better for all concerned to understand what it is - and isn't.

I think you're dead on about him equating femininity with submission or, at least, with a somewhat humble status. It appears that many men who are looking for cross dressing as humiliation don't see that some women could find that insulting. I can understand why you're uncomfortable when he couches the request that way. Wanting to cross dress isn't necessarily an indication of homosexuality. Given your husband's history, though, it seems possible his desire could be inclined in that direction.

It's also possible your husband does want to genuinely submit, but just doesn't know how. BDSM, power exchange, is more complicated than just the activities. In a power exchange relationship, all those things your husband is asking for are manifestations of a negotiated power imbalance. A dominant doesn't do those things to please the submissive, she does them because she can and because she enjoys doing them. Before submitting, there is discussion, which may include a submissive's wants. How, or even if, those wants are fulfilled is up to the dominant. Your sense that your husband was trying to make you responsible for his pleasure seems correct. That's not what BDSM is all about.

I'm going to list some resources that I think will help you make your decisions. You may want to share them with your husband, as well. Here are some links with information about BDSM:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms - very useful site)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/
http://www.akashaweb.com/indexnew.html

These are books that might be helpful:

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin

I hope this helps and I wish you the best. If you have more questions, please feel free to send them along to me.

Mistress Violette