Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/30/2008

Question
Ma'am, where are you on sex between a slave and a Domme? I know it is up to the couple, but some say It might be better if there is no intercourse for teh slave, as that it ruins a slave.

Answer
Hello, Bobby,

To me, this isn't a BDSM issue, it's a relationship issue. Whether or not a dom and sub have sex has more to do with their circumstances than with the power exchange. If people are BDSM within a loving, committed relationship, they might very well want to add sex to the mix. If they're play partners only or they have vanilla relationships with primary partners, they probably don't want to complicate the BDSM relationship by making it sexual.

In some situations, incorporating sex into a BDSM relationship could fundamentally change the relationship. My guess is this is what people are referring to when they talk about ruining the slave. That's not what happens, really. I mean, it's not analogous to say, an animal tasting blood and becoming a man eater. What happens is that the relationship is changed and sometimes that can upset the power dynamic. Saying it "ruins the slave" sounds important and esoteric but it's not exactly accurate.

In the end, though, you're quite right, it's up to each couple.

Mistress Violette