Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/6/2008

Question
we have been together 5 years and all of a sudden this turns him on. or he has just never told me. he won't spell out what he wants so im having a hard time knowing WHAT he wants. is anyone out there that can lead me in the right direction. a friend says, just break out the whips and chains and see what happens but honestly, i don't think its about that. is it? im still a domme virgin so here i am looking for answers.

Answer
Hello, Tracey,

You're absolutely right, it's not all about whips and chains. While that can be lots of fun, it's a lot more fun if you know about more than just the activities. And, while now it's inconvenient that your husband won't tell you what he wants, that can actually be a real advantage. There are men who approach their wives with a long list of their wants, because they're interested in kinky sex. It seems like your husband genuinely wants to submit, which opens up a world of possibilities for you. It means he wants to please his dominant, that his pleasure is in making her happy. Even if you don't uncover a dominant streak in yourself, you should still be able to find enough about BDSM to your liking to make you both happy and satisfied.

BDSM is about happy, healthy use of power and control. The submissive offers control of himself to a dominant he trusts to use it wisely. The dominant accepts the responsibility of doing that. Whips and chains aren't the power, they're a manifestation of it. Not every BDSM partnership involves them; the control manifests in ways that are satisfying in each particular partnership.

I'm going to give you resources that will help you discover if you enjoy being dominant and, if so, help you develop that facet of you. As you explore, it's important to remember that dominance is not about pleasing your sub, it's about him pleasing you. Your responsibilities as a dominant are to keep him safe, help him grow and to meet his needs. This last is different from pleasing him. It sounds like your husband understands this already.

Communication is a big part of BDSM; mind reading isn't. Both of you are going to have to make your needs, and your expectations,  known. I'm going to suggest that the two of you explore together, discussing what you find. As you're learning how to take control, he'll be learning how to give it up. I think you'll find it's not only worthwhile but fun, too.

I have some favorite books I like to recommend. There are three for starters. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

Dom Sub Friends is a site that's been around for quite a while, as sites go. They have an internet magazine you might find helpful: http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/

This site is great for an overview of BDSM, resources and ideas for play: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

Poke around a little, see what resonates with you and go from there. As long as it's safe, sane and consensual, there's no one right way to do BDSM. Put together your own philosophy and style, something you both can live with and that makes you happy. Then enjoy!

Mistress Violette