Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/4/2008

Question
QUESTION: Dear BDSM Expert
How a person become interested in BDSM?
From Birth? Environment? or Both of them?
In my case. I did not know that what is BDSM when I was in my teen age, but I always wanted to be dominated/tortured by a girl. After some years I found that this activity is known as BDSM in society. Then only I learned a about femdom and bdsm. How many percentage of people in the world are interested in BDSM life style?
I am wondering that which made me interested in BDSM?
Does environment makes a person interested in BDSM or BDSM
mentality is coming with some persons from the birth?
(In my case non of the external things made me interested in BDSM).I loved being dominated when I was 14 years old(Even I dint know that how to have sex with a girl at that period)
Please be kind enough to give me the answers
Thank You


ANSWER: Hi, Mogan,

I would love to give you the answers but there aren't any right now.  The question about whether or not BDSM is hardwired and its causes is discussed often, yet no one has come up with definitive answers. There are theories, of course, and I'll share mine.

I think that, like most things, an interest in BDSM is a combination of nature and nurture. I think the predisposition is innate and the expression or manifestation depends on environment. I believe there are people who have the desire for BDSM but whose circumstances prevent them from learning about or practicing it. I believe there are people who make the conscious decision not to express their BDSM wants. On the opposite side of the coin, there are people who embrace their BDSM natures and actively look to express and enhance them. To me, the choice is not whether or not you are BDSM but what you opt to do about it.

If this is a topic you're going to study, please bear in mind that there's not a body of unbiased research about this. Most of what is known about BDSM is based on the reports of people who considered it a problem. They weren't happy or comfortable with their desires, so they sought professional help. I suspect there are many more people who are fine with their desires. They just don't make that known so their information isn't included in research. If it were I suspect the research results would be strongly effected and in a positive way.

Estimates of the percentage of people who are BDSM range from 10 to 20 percent.

If you look at almost any serious discussion board about BDSM you'll probably find several topics dealing with Why We Are the Way We Are. It's not unreasonable to question and I think it's important for people to do some navel gazing when they get involved in this way of life. The really important thing, though, is to understand and accept that an interest in BDSM is healthy and natural, something to be done safely, happily and enjoyed.

Mistress Violette

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Expert....Sorry for disturbing you again...
I have just got married to a good chaste Hindu girl. I also a Hindu.I don't know whether my wife will accept to do Femdom. And I am afraid to reveal my desire to her bcoz she may leave away or misunderstand me....Then how can I reveal my BDSM desire to her? If she is not interested then how can I bring her to BDSM ?(Is Showing Femdom movies, Books,etc do it?) Is it possible to bring anybody to BDSM life though they dont have any idea or not interested?
Thanks

Answer
Hello, Mogan,

All the experts of whom you asked your original question gave you pretty much the same answer, the desire for BDSM is either something you have or you don't. It's possible your wife has it and isn't comfortable mentioning it but it's more likely she's not interested in BDSM. If that's the case, you probably won't be able "to bring [her] to BDSM life." If she's open minded and sexually adventurous, however, she might be willing to play the role for you. Only you can decide if it's worth possibly jeopardizing your relationship to approach her about this.

This isn't an unusual situation, so there's lots of advice about how to see if your wife might be interested. Rather than reinvent the wheel, I'm going to give you links to some articles with discussion and ideas. I suggest you take a look at them and decide if the suggestions might be helpful to you.

http://sexuality.org/authors/lauren/vanilla.html
http://margelle.org/aboutgoddess/page34/page34.html
http://adult.backwash.com/content.php?jouid=8813

The first site on the list, sexuality.org, has a number of good articles on BDSM. Regardless of what you decide about telling your wife, you might find it helpful to browse some of them for your own information.

One thing to bear in mind is that BDSM is a want, not a need. It's not like food or sleep in that you'd die without it. Many BDSM people live their lives without ever practicing BDSM and are just fine. You're lucky in that you really do have a choice. I'd say do some research, try to get some clues from your wife, then decide which route to go.

Good luck to you, Mogan.

Mistress Violette