Expert: Mistress Violette - 5/19/2008

Question
Ok so im pretty new to the whole s and m lifestyle. I was introduced to it in late december and im still kinda having a rough time with it. Im only 18 and my master is 41, weve never had issues with the age difference, and we still have not met due to conflicts outside of the relationship and my disobedience.
I first got introduced to the lifestyle when i expressed intrest and my masters daughter talked to me about it. In my time as a slave i feel ive met more than my share of other doms and i seem to learn the rules as i break them.
Just 3 weeks ago i met another dom and when he upset me i blew up at him. I got scolded, but my master decided all i had to do was apologize because they knew i was struggeling with things and i hadn't known any better.
I try to talk to my master about the rules and what he expects of me, i know all the expectations quite well yet i seem incapable of following them. Even when i try to follow his rules or a command i sometimes forget part of what i need to do. And its incredibly devistating. The worst part is that my master makes me feel incredibly worse without even realizing hes doing it. Ill tell him i messed up or something bad happened and he'll just say ugh. I swear when he says that id rather die than dissapoint him anymore. Its awful and im not sure what to do. Ive tried telling him but sometimes hes too upset with me to talk. Ive tried talking to other doms that are close to him and i trust, but all they seem to do is get me in more trouble.
Idk what to do. I want to get it right but no matter how hard i try i feel like im disappointing him. He tells me im progressing well and hes proud with me, but that only seems to happen after i have a huge melt down and he knows im fragile. Please help, im not sure what to do anymore.

Answer
Hello, Eve,

Although there isn't a problem with the age difference I'm wondering if there is a problem due to your age. Sometimes eighteen year old people haven't had a lot of time to explore and learn all the ins and outs of mature relationships. You've had some relationships, even some serious ones, but your focus has been on other things. One thing you haven't focused on is BDSM. You're trying to learn on the job. That, coupled with the fact that you don't have years of relationship experience under your belt, may be making it hard for you to embrace submission. You may just be trying on too many new things at once.

You're obviously feeling some rebelliousness. It may still be some of the natural rebelliousness most teenage people feel. It could also be discomfort with your role, perhaps caused by a lack of complete understanding of what that role is exactly. It could be your way of signaling that you want more attention. My guess is it's a combination of some or all of these.

Is it possible you tried to run before you could walk? When people have had years of BDSM experience they sometimes want to establish the BDSM part of the partnership at the same time as the relationship piece. For you, it might be better if you and your partner established a solid relationship and then added BDSM to that, slowly.

Right now you're unhappy and unsure what to do. When you're in the middle of a problem it can be hard to sort out the causes and solution. You might want to consider putting the BDSM relationship on hold for a while, so the two of you can establish a solid relationship  without things being complicated by the power dynamic. It looks like you need to work on communication and maybe even trust before going forward. It wouldn't hurt if you learned more about BDSM on your own, too. Since this is your first experience with it, you really haven't developed a style of your own. Plus, you might not have had time to really look at what you need from a relationship of this type. I'm going to list some resources below that you can check out. My guess is, with some support from your partner and the information you research, you'll be able to make a sound decision about what to do next.

I wish you the best, Eve.

Mistress Violette

Sites for BDSM information:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/