Expert: Mistress Violette - 6/2/2008

Question
Hello,

I have been interested in BDSM for a while now and have just recently decided that I would like it to be a bigger part of my life. I do not think that at the time being I can let it become a full part of my life. However, I would like to at least be highly incorporated into my sex life.

My partner and I have been together for almost 7 years now, and we both trust each other very much. For the past year now we have been attending the local goth night in Boston which has sparked my interest again in BDSM.

Here is my issue:
My partner and I are both naturally submissive. I think we are leaning towards him being more dominant, but I know at times he will want me to be dominant and him submissive. We have spoken about signs on how to designate who is feeling which role at the time, but I am still curious if it will work and be stable if we want to switch roles.

Going off of that question, we both need training in these areas. I have vague ideas on both, but I really need some direction in becoming both a good sub as well as a good master. I also had a small side question:

I don't mind calling my partner "Master" while he is doming, however if I am doming he must call me something. I don't really fancy "Mistress" (no offense to you!!!) or "M'lady" so I wanted to know if there was any other common name for a female dom.

Finally, being new to the scene, I was wondering if you could point me to some websites for basic information. I have dabbled around online and did find the New England Leather Alliance, but I would love some more direction!

Thank you so much and I look forward to your wise words!
-S

Answer
Hello, S.,

You've asked nteresting questions, let's see where we can go with them.

There are dom/dom couples and sub/sub couples who switch successfully, so there's probably no reason why it wouldn't work for you. Some people use the word "top" to describe a situation where someone wants to experience control temporarily and only in certain circumstances. Lots of subs enjoy topping, so you and your partner might find switching adds another enjoyable element to your BDSM. Be sure to remain aware and respectful of the special nature of your dynamic; sometimes the sub might need to cut the dom a little slack. It might take a bit more effort than if you were a dom/sub couple, but you seem to have a solid relationship and to have put a lot of thought into it. That bodes well for your success.

When you're the dominant, you can be called anything you want. :) Personally, I prefer "Ma'am" or "Madam". Some people use "Miss" or "Ms" or the French "Maitresse." I've even heard "Lady" and "My Queen." If none of those appeal to you, though, there's nothing wrong with coming up with something else. As long as it feels right to the two of you, it's fine.

I'm glad you asked about resources for learning and exploring. I have some favorite books I like to recommend. There are three for starters. The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

Dom Sub Friends is a site that's been around for quite a while, as sites go. They have an internet magazine you might find helpful: http://www.domsubfriends.com/voye/

This site is great for an overview of BDSM, resources and ideas for play: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

Other good sites:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

I know I've given you a lot but that's so you'll see a number of different takes on BDSM. Not every approach works for everybody. I want to make it like a smorgasbord for you, so you could sample, then pick the combination of ideas what's right for you.

I think you have a good basic grasp of what you want. I hope this helps you move in the direction you need to go. Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette