Expert: Lady Aryana - 6/29/2008

Question
Ok, so my husband is in the military - we've known each other for years, but
last year when he was home between deployments we finally became really
adventuresome... Each of us in previous relationships had begun to explore
the D/S lifestyle but had never delved very far into it...

I knew from previous experiences that I prefer to be Submissive, though will
occasionally take the upper hand and be Dominant. Oddly enough we never
discussed who would be Dominant and who would be Submissive. And I just
fell into thinking he would be my Dom...
A few things transpired and I found out that he has some Submissive
tendencies/fantasies and I know that I need to explore this, if only to keep
our marriage intact.

My question is how do I go about doing that? I've only played at being
Dominant, but am willing to do anything to keep our relationship together,
and to keep him from straying.
Its hard enough to keep a marriage together when your spouse has been
deployed for 2/3 of your marriage - and even harder when you find out that
they are looking for a Dom outside of your sexlife.

If you could give me any pointers, books of reference, anything I would
greatly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Answer
Mary,

This is a hard one, although let me try to explain.. Being submissive can mean doing things you don't always enjoy but are willing to do as you have decided to be the submissive.

This can include giving your Dom *time off* and taking control. Just picture this time as another means of filling your submissive side. Stop, talk and then follow the orders you are given. As you *top* your Dom you can look at it as a form of service to what pleases your Dom.

I can suggest the following books..

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance

The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women

The Compleat Slave: Creating And Living An Erotic Dominant/submissive Lifestyle  by Jack Rinella and Joseph W. Bean

The last book I suggest you both read. It might give you both a good idea of what a slave does for her Owner.

I would also suggest that if you are Bi finding a Mistress that will control you both when your husband is in this head space to where he wishes to give up control. I do not suggest a pro Dom since he is in the service, find someone who is willing to be there when you need her service. Depending on where you are located you might be able to find a local club in which you find good friends who are not looking for a full time relationship but someone to play with once in a while.

I also suggest www.collarme.com Sign you as a couple, put in there what your willing to explore and not. Are you willing to allow him to be sexual with another woman and you submit to another man while he is away? D/s isn't always sexual so you might find someone willing to keep you on your toes while your husband is away. What ever you do, make sure everyone knows everything, and the lines are black and white.

I wish you luck,if there is anything else I can do, simply ask.

Marie