Expert: arani_CsA - 6/16/2008

Question
Ok, first off I am SO new to this it isnt even funny. I am a smoking female who started doing shows on yahoo a lil over a year ago, that cater to men w/ smoking fetishes. I was recently approached to become this mans Mistress and he wants me to take over his life. I love the whole concept, but Im not too sure I can remold this man, or even so, how or what exactly to do. I have done SOME research but really feel as if I need a disussion w/ someone about this, more then just reading about it and coming to my own conclusions. Thank you for your time   Alex

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for coming to me with your question.  i hope i can help you find the answers you are looking for.

If you've done some reading into the BDSM lifestyle, you may have read that there is a broad spectrum of interests here.  There are people who simply enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom, and then there are couples who live a complete Master/slave relationship like my husband and i do.  And everything in between.  There are some folks who enjoy catering to their fetishes, whatever those may be, and those who are more service-oriented and have no interest in S/m activities.  

What you need to do is to sit down and think about what it is that you want out of a relationship.  Do you want a man to cater to your every need -- to wait on you hand and foot, to cook your meals and clean your house?  Do you like some good kinky sex?  Might you enjoy molding another person's mind and will to meet your needs?  Or do you just want someone who gets turned on from watching you smoke?  Do you want to have total control over that person, or would you consider allowing him to maintain some limits?  

Once you get a handle on what it is that you want (and what you don't want), then you need to go about finding a man who can help you meet those needs.  Sit down with this prospective submissive, and have a long discussion about HIS needs as well as your own, and see if you can find some kind of common ground.  Keep in mind that one of the responsibilities of a good Master or Mistress is pushing the submissive's limits (in a safe way).  

If the two of you find a common ground in this way, enter into a trial relationship for a finite period of time.  After this weekend, or week, or month, is over, sit down together again and see if it's what both of you wanted.  Spend the same amount of time and consideration on this as you would in finding a vanilla husband.  The commitment is just as serious.

Some people don't want a commitment.  They want a casual play partner.  And there's nothing wrong with that.  The important thing here is knowing what you want, and finding someone else who wants the same thing.

I would encourage you to find a local BDSM group that meets in your area.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com  Here, you can meet others who share your interests, and observe how they interact with each other.  You can learn from them, and find a place where you can explore your own feelings and interests openly.

i hope i've helped you toward finding some answers.  Feel free to contact me again if you have more questions.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius