Expert: Mistress Violette - 6/13/2008

Question
Hello Mistress Violette,
I have been a ProDomme for over two years now and somewhat stayed away from the Lifestyle Domme relationships, mainly because I've found that in my area the non paying subs seem to be truly flaky (not making their appointments, or just plain "do me's"). How ever, I have been non actively looking for my perfect live in sub for some time. (aren't we all? LOL)
I see PD as one aspect of the BDSM spectrum but I feel there (for myself at least) is a huge difference between lifestyle domination and professional domination in action and execution as well as in what is actually performed in the sessions. I see a major difference in mentality as well since I only see clients for an hour or so I do get in their heads but don't normally need to get too in depth into their psyche nor "keep them interested" for long periods of time (unless of course they are repeat clients).
I have no problems giving my sub what he needs, in any shape or form (sexually as well since that's not part of my professional skillset) as well as the other faucets. But I do have a tendency to give too much away too soon, (to be honest I was born and raised with the "lets make you a good wife syndrome", which makes one naturally a pleaser and dare I say it "submissive" in nature).
So how do I give my sub what he needs but not give everything away in one shot.
Should I take control of things slowly? or should I just lay it all out (I expect you to do this that and the other and give up this that and the other, right now?) or do I mention things as I go (I also don't want to be deceitful).
How do I make things stick. I see a lot of Dom/subs that are quiet happy and I can see their connection and that's something I truly desire. I do know that most of this is dependent on the individuals and the actual relationship dynamics, but I am hoping you can give me some insight.
Thanks in advance,
Goddess Von

Answer
Hello, Goddess Von,

I think you're spot on in your assessment of the difference between professional and personal relationships. I once had a good friend who was a pro dom. She was very aware that she really wasn't in charge and that many of her clients were "getting done" rather than submitting. It worked out well professionally, because she was good at giving the impression of running the show while actually catering to their wants. How could it be any other way, really? If the clients don't get what they want, they don't come back.

I think the notion of a huge population of submissive men is a myth. What there is is a huge population of men who want kinky sex. Our society doesn't give people much opportunity to understand BDSM, so people make it up as they go along. As a result there are men who think that letting their partners take the initiative in bed or allowing someone to gag them the way they specify is "submissive." That's the majority of what I see from men looking for partners. I suspect it's also the majority of a pro dom's clients. So if you find a submissive who actually wants power exchange instead of kinky sex, you have a treasure.

If you do find such a treasure, giving him what he needs isn't difficult, because what he needs is to give up control. All the play - the bondage and cbt and so on, is just the manifestation of the power exchange. You do those things because you like them but, more important, you do them because you can. And the reason he likes them is not just because they're fun but because you do them because you can. To me, "Because I can" sums up power exchange.

Before you accept his submission you'll discuss limits and hot buttons and special likes and dislikes. That way you'll know in what areas it's safe to push, where it's not and how to reward him when he's especially good. During the negotiation period you'll also discuss expectations, both yours and his. In essence, that's where you draw the blueprint for the relationship. It all takes place in the getting-to-know-you period, where you're determining your compatibility in all areas, not just BDSM.

Sometimes you do have to take control right away, but not in the power exchange sense. Some subs want to submit immediately, not because you're you, but just because you're a DOM. You might find yourself having to point out that the reality is you need to interact as people before you interact as dom and sub. Anyone who doesn't want to do that might make a good client, but probably isn't partner material.

I think the key is to be aware that, in a BDSM relationship, the relationship comes before the BDSM. We have to communicate about all the issues vanilla couples do and then we have to add BDSM on top of that. The relationship piece needs to be solid before the BDSM can be solid. That's tough to do sometimes, because we meet as BDSM people and that's where our focus is. If you remember that you may have to back up and relate before you can go forward and control, things will have a better chance of falling into place.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Mistress Violette