Expert: Mistress Violette - 6/1/2008

Question
Dear Mistress,

Hey..My name is Amy. I'm 16 years old. Okay okay, I know. You might think that a 16 year old "kid" doesn't know a thing or two about her sexuality, or what she likes. Perhaps in a sense you are correct, but I need someone to talk to anyway. . . Someone who can give me proper advice on this matter.


I was introduced to BDSM by someone a bit older than me..19 to be exact. We knew each other for awhile before going out. He would often get very rough with me, and push me around. Sometimes he would even blindfold me. Basically, he would exert what I didn't know he was trying to at the time; dominance. Eventually he came to the conclusion that I was a "sub."This was extremely confusing for me, considering how in control I am of most everything in my life. I actually enjoy being the one in control, but he simply made me melt into nothing. Everything he did sent me into a trance, where I was completely under his control and power. So, as you can imagine..I became his sub. I wasn't really sure about the whole situation, but I just knew that when I felt him beside me it was "right."


It turns out that he had another girlfriend, and she was most certainly his "sub." I didn't know it, and was completely crushed by it...he used me, just to dominate me and make himself feel more powerful. He enjoyed my devotion when his girlfriend wasn't so devoted..and then he left me there to cry, and rot.


I'm crushed completely. Some part of me is so ashamed I let a MAN get the better of me. (I'm quite a bit of a feminist) But I'm so curious..Now I'm left with questions. And this is where I turn to you.


I'm in another relationship now..and it just doesn't have the flair my other one did. There's not as much satisfaction,and I feel so empty. I'm wondering if perhaps the BDSM lifestyle is for me...


How do I really know for sure? I was introduced to it by someone cold. But not every "Dom" is like that. And I'm not even sure if I'm a Dom or not, or if I'm a Sub, or if I'm nothing at all. All I know is that the feeling of someone taking control of me for just a few moments made me so relaxed.. it gave me a release I needed from this prestigious life I live.


I know I'm young, and I know I'm stupid.


I just need someone's advice, someone mature. Please help!


Sincerely,


Amy


Answer
Hello, Amy,

I don't think you're at all stupid. That's why I'm going to be honest with you, knowing you might not like what you're going to hear.

You weren't a sub to this person. Submission is offered and accepted, dominance isn't a surprise. In a healthy BDSM relationship, there's significant talking and negotiation before any play takes place. BDSM has to be satisfying for both people and even though he'd known you for a long time, he couldn't know your desires. Plus, he couldn't know the things that might bother or scare you. Getting rough with someone, pushing her around, blindfolding her, without absolutely knowing she's ok with that, is not respectful, safe or BDSM. I know you feel that he used you and that hurts. It's ok to cry because you're angry and frustrated. I just hope you're not crying because he's gone. Be aware, this guy has shown the ability to dominate in an abusive way. That's not what BDSM is about.

It's not unusual for people who are tightly in control in their daily lives to want to surrender control in a personal situation. It's very freeing to give up control, to have no choice but to open up and just feel. Lots of people enjoy that. Some are submissive, some aren't. If your first interest in this sort of thing just happened with this guy, my guess is you're not. Most BDSM people are aware of their interest long before their teens. Not that you won't find it satisfying to incorporate some elements into your life when you're older, but I don't think it's a core thing for you or something you need to devote time to right now.

What I do think is that you're rebounding. You're still crushed from what happened in your previous relationship, yet you're trying to build a new one. It's no wonder the new one isn't working. You're still smarting from the break up. You're not fully investing in the new relationship, which is fine and perfectly natural. It takes time before you're able to do that again and not enough time has passed for you yet. That's why the new relationship doesn't feel fulfilling. Until you've had time to heal, no relationship is going to be satisfying. When you're ready, though, I think you'll be able to find plenty of flair without BDSM.

I think you anticipated being told you're too young. Good, because that's what I'm going to do. :) At 16 you really haven't had time to gain lots of experience in relationships. Just like we have to learn to walk before we can run, I think we need to learn to build healthy relationships without BDSM before we can build them with BDSM. I'm going to discourage you from actively pursuing a BDSM relationship now. Learn how to be a girlfriend and a partner before you learn to become a sub or dom. Then, do some research (preferably in a library rather than online) so you know what you want when you finally go to look for it. Yes, I know, it's difficult to wait. It'll be worth it, though. Really.

Mistress Violette