AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Expert: Mistress Violette Date: 6/9/2008 Subject: How to deal with a sub with a strong personality and much more experience
Question Dear Violette,
This is a question inspired by one of your earlier answers. I am in the same situation as that writer in that I am very inexperienced and am in a relationship with a sub who is naturally a leader and very strong willed. We both want to go very deeply into hard S/M and have had some very successful encounters of this type. However I am struggling to obtain the level of control that we both seek. When I have him gagged and hooded I feel the freedom I seek but the moment the gag comes out I seem to loss that an his experience and strength of character seem to spoil it
Help me please
Alison
Answer Hello, Alison,
If I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like the problem isn't your submissive's strength and experience, but your reaction to it. You said you lose the feelings you associate with dominance, you didn't say he actively does anything to cause that. So I wonder if it's your own perceptions that are tripping you up. Maybe you're a little intimidated by what you perceive as his superior knowledge of BDSM and that's making it hard for you to feel comfortable as a dominant. It doesn't sound like your sub is testing you or being difficult, just that you're not feeling as in control as you want to be. The remedy for that is information.
First, let me say that some of the best teachers for dominants are experienced subs. There's nothing wrong with asking for his input and suggestions. It's very helpful to know how he's feeling and reacting. It's also helpful to know if you're doing something totally off the wall. :) If he's knowledgeable and experienced, he'll know it's ok for him to respectfully share information. Your part is to accept his information just as any superior would accept it from a subordinate. Sometimes I think some dominants are afraid to say, "I don't know." Actually, it takes more strength to do that than to fake knowing.
In addition to that, you need to use other resources. You've seen some of my recommendations if you've read other answers but I'll list them again at the end of this message. It's good to read books and articles; it's also good to talk to others. Do a search for "BDSM support groups." If you live in a metropolitan area, you can probably find a BDSM support group nearby. I think it's sometimes easier to start online but many groups are very helpful and welcoming regardless. If there's no group near you, look for an online group that also meets offline anyway. That's so you don't get involved with fantasy players. You're looking for experienced people, so you can learn from them.
We all started out knowing very little, there's no disgrace in that. Because you know what you want and where you're aiming, it will be easier for you to learn more. I think that's the best way to get, and keep, your control.
Good luck to you.
Mistress Violette
Resources on female dominance: The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance by Lorelei
Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.
The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."
And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.
When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/
Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/
