Expert: Mistress Violette - 6/22/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am a strong, feminist, Christian single girl who has successfully run a department for a number of years.
I have never had a serious relationship, never having found the right guy.
The thing is, I know in my heart that although confident and self assured in my work life, I am a natural submissive. I have only just come to the place where I can admit this to myself,....and I have never felt so comfortable before.
I now know that I am looking for a top who will take me under his wing and help me to discover myself. Where do I begin? I need to trust someone enough to be able to have them as my top. Going to a club alone scares me.
This is the way I am, and I wouldn't change it...even if I could. Please, do you have any tips for someone like me - just starting out on her journey?


ANSWER: Hello, Bethannie,

First, let me say what follows is my own personal opinion. While many would agree with me, just as many would not. So please evaluate what I say and decide on your own which camp is for you.

I can understand wanting a dominant to help you on your journey of discovery and I think that makes sense - in the later stages. But, for where you are now, I believe the smartest, and safest, thing to do is learn on your own. Why do I think that? Because there are many styles of BDSM. You could be lucky and wind up with someone whose style is compatible with yours the first time. Or you could end up with someone whose style is very different but who tries to mold you into it anyway. And you, being new, might not realize what was happening. I've seen submissives try and try to be what they couldn't be, all the time thinking the lack was in them, not the dominant. So I advocate that submissives do a good bit of self education before trying to find a dominant.

I'm going to give you a different jumping off place for your education than I usually use. I think you're thinking submission may be at odds with feminism. I could try to explain that it's not but I think you're better served to read the words of women who are both submissive and feminist:

http://www.thescreamergirl.com/nowsm.htm
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/44881/does_submission_to_my_husband_mak

I think the misconception that submissives are weak or dependent comes from lack of information and understanding. The misconception applies to male submission, as well. I frequently see submissive men being very careful to explain how "alpha" they are in business or sports. To me, that signals someone who needs to work on understanding the dynamic. On the outside, submission can look like being a sexual doormat. It takes some exploration to find that it's more than taking off the clothes and slipping on the handcuffs, to understand that erotic power exchange is much more than sex, and, especially, to realize how much strength it takes to submit.

But there's more. :) That's just the beginning. It can be helpful to explore other people's ideas of what BDSM is and I have a list of places that are good for that:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

You'll find all sorts of different ideas about BDSM. The thing to do is consider them, keep the ones that work for you and toss the ones that don't. Eventually you'll see that you're putting together your own personal philosophy of BDSM. It will change over time and with experience, but at least you'll begin with an idea of what you want and the ability to articulate your needs.

In terms of looking for a dominant, there are personals sites and some people have good luck finding partners there. If you decide to go that route, I would recommend sticking with people who list memberships in real time BDSM groups in their profiles. Many personals sites attract cyber players, people who don't know much about BDSM and just play at it online. That's not what you need, so be picky. It's not a right, it's an obligation. At this point, no one is looking after you but you.

A better idea is to join a BDSM group. A search for "BDSM support group" might turn up something not too far from you. Many older, established groups make it a point to be helpful to newcomers. If you don't find something like People Exchanging Power (PEP) or the Society of Janus, look for a group that meets both online and offline. That way, you can enter into discussions and get to know people online before meeting them face to face.

You'll be joining a group to learn and to make friends. You'll find that your best teacher may not be a male dom. Female doms and submissives of both sexes have a lot to offer, too. There are few things more helpful to growth in BDSM than knowledgeable and supportive friends. And, who knows, one of those friends might just introduce you to the dom of your dreams.

You're in a nice place right now, Bethannie, and it just gets better from here. Good luck and enjoy!

Mistress Violette







---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the prompt answer and the sharing of your knowledge on this topic.

I am, personally, content with being both feminist and submissive. In a way that I find difficult to describe, still being new to this, I don't think I could be submissive if I wasn't so strong.

However, I have friends who will never understand how I can be both. Some years ago a friend 'came out' as lesbian and was supported. I happen to be straight, I also happen to be submissive. It's who I am. Why can't I expect the same support? During a girlie chat, about a year ago, I mentioned an interest in handcuffs. The silence was deafening! Eventually, I was asked how I could be a 'modern' woman and have such thoughts. If only they knew that bondage is only a small part of how I see myself and submission. (A small but very pleasant part!)

Whilst I don't intend giving up on my friends, it would be good to get to know others who understand that this is not a choice I have made...it is who I am. I want to be able to talk to others about BDSM without being thought of as strange!

I fully accept your advice on exploring and developing my own philosophy of BDSM. I have a feeling this education is going to be fun as well as challenging! Much as I long for a relationship, I need to wait for the right type of guy to top me. I know that I'm looking for someone pretty special - I won't be the easiest of subs to control - but if I can find someone capable of being my Dom then it'll be worth it. And if he has to be pretty special to top me.....well, I'm worth it because I'm pretty special too, and I will be worth the work he'll have to put into dealing with me ;o)

Now, the one remaining issue - for now(!) - is my faith. I do not see any discrepancy between my Christianity and BDSM. Are you aware of any groups that support Christians who live this lifestyle?

Thanks again for your help.

And yes...I am 'in a nice place' at  the moment. A little scary too, but it feels so right - and I haven't felt like this before :o)  

Answer
Hi, Bethannie,

It looks to me like you've been doing at least a little research already, not to mention some naval gazing. :) To me, that's an excellent way to start the journey. I'm impressed with the conclusions you've reached and the ideas you've expressed. You've grasped some basic concepts that some people never understand, so you're on your way to building a solid foundation for yourself.

I wish I could tell you about Christian BDSM but that's not an area of expertise for me. I do know that there are Christians who practice BDSM and there are support groups available. I'm going to suggest you ask this question of another expert here, arani_CsA: http://www.allexperts.com/ep/2733-70420/BDSM/arani_CsA.htm. She is a Christian and knowledgeable about BDSM groups. She may be able to provide you with some resources to fuse the two.

I hope your journey brings you all happiness and fulfillment.

Mistress Violette