AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Question Hi,
I have been in a relationship with my man for 3years now, and we are both love to fullfill eachothers fantasies. It has all been smooth sailing till now. However I desperatly want to be dominated. I love being told what to do and to please him on command. I want to be at his beck and call and get rewarded and punished for my actions. My partner was always very supportive of my desires when i finally admited this to him he very much wanted to engage me in the sumbmissive play I like. He was very turned on by this side of me. But he just never can seem to get it, and appears to have issues with giving me orders and in any attempts he seems unsure of what to do and does not go far enough. He has always been an attentive and excellent lover but he cant seem to dominate me like I need. He is very good at talking dirty and the acts of sex but in tieing me up or challenging me to please him in new ways, he just dosent seem to know what to do. He asures me its not from lack of want, or that it's just not his thing but admits he has trouble ordering me around when he sees me as an equal and he dosent want to hurt me. He's always treated me with a high level of care.
I have been treated very badly in the past by those who should have loved me and he has always had issues with acceptance. He has admited before to a strong fear of losing me and says he never wants to be that 'bad guy', an abusive partner.
I love him so much but dont know how to convince him this will do me good not harm. I dont know if he's caught up with the idea that me being submissive is all about him getting all the pleasure and me just being a prop in our interations. Because it isent. I dont think of domination as degredation, but a way for me to be fully free of inhibitions and to express my devotion and gratitude. I am 19 and he is 20 and we are eachothers first real love. I just dont know what to say to make him understand my desire to be needed,to surrender and be possessed. I just want us to be comfortable and enjoy the experience. I am new to all this to so if I am getting the wrong ideas about what this is all about please tell me so. But I always saw my submission as somthing that was all about trust and devotion. The challenge of pleaseing someone completely, and a total belonging to eachother. Please help.
Answer Hi, Kit,
I'm guessing your boyfriend hasn't been exposed to many positives about BDSM. There's so much more to it than the shallow, scene oriented activity that's portrayed in the media. Most people haven't had the opportunity to learn much about BDSM, though, so that's the only idea of they have and it looks scary to them. It's no wonder he doesn't know what to do. In fact, he gets mad props for being willing to explore.
There's a web site that's aimed at people like your boyfriend. You can take a look at it here http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html. If you think it would be helpful, steer him to it. After you've both read and absorbed, you can use the information you've found to discuss how you can improve the BDSM in your own relationship. The site has some information that should set your boyfriend's mind at ease as well as giving him some ideas for BDSM play.
There are some other sites I recommend you explore after that one. Some of them have differing points of view. They may talk about ideas that don't appeal to you. That's fine. There no one, right way to do BDSM and there's nothing that says you have to agree with everyone else's concepts. The important thing is to get a feel for some basic ideas and then come up with a way of managing the power exchange that satisfies you both.
From what you've said about your idea of submission, I think you have a pretty good grasp of what it means to submit. The challenge will be to think them through so you can explain them to your boyfriend. I think these sites will help:
If your boyfriend is open to further exploration after sampling the sites, this is a book that I think would help him a great deal: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon.
Please be aware that your boyfriend's reluctance may be due to more than lack of information. Many people don't get the same kind of pleasure from BDSM that you and I do. If your boyfriend is one of these folks, please be especially patient with him, as a vanilla person willing to indulge these desires is a rare treasure. But many vanilla men do enjoy BDSM role play. I hope that once your boyfriend understands that you're asking for something that, while it can be edgy, is also safe, sane and consensual, you'll find yourselves fulfilling compatible fantasies.
One final thing to consider. Many people want BDSM in the context of a committed relationship. You're one of the lucky ones who may be able to achieve that. Please remember to keep the focus on the relationship, not on the BDSM. If the relationship is strong, happy and healthy it will make it easier for the BDSM to follow.
