Expert: Mistress Violette - 7/28/2008

Question
My husband and I have tried this lifestyle for about a six months now and he has trouble giving me control. He introduced me to this lifestyle, but refuses to give me any kind of control. I am about ready to give up!
My question is: "Do you have any suggestions"?

Answer
Hello, Sue,

I have to tell you, my personal preference is that a submissive be ready to submit before he enters a BDSM relationship. I think submission should be willingly given. But that's me. There are others who believe it should be taken or, at least, have the appearance of being taken. Either way, the submissive needs to be sure the dominant is capable of handling the control he gives her.

We talk about "the lifestyle" as if it meant the same thing to everyone but it really doesn't. Since I'm not sure what the lifestyle involves for you and your husband, rather than guess what the problem is I'm going to point you to resources that I hope will help you figure things out for yourself. I've found that the reason for many BDSM related problems is lack of information about BDSM, so my suggestion is education and exploration.   

It's never too late to learn more about BDSM and it's important to keep learning. (In fact, one of the reasons I participate here is to learn from the other experts.) I have a list of favorite books and web sites I like to recommend. I'm reasonably sure you haven't read all of them :) so I'll add the list at the end of this and encourage you to check them out, both on your own and with your husband. There's a variety of ways to do BDSM. It doesn't matter which one(s) you select. It does matter that the styles you and your husband like are compatible. It's possible the root of the problem you're having is that one or both of you needs more, or different, information about BDSM.

It's possible, but difficult, to learn and practice BDSM in a void. It helps to have other people with whom you can talk. They can help you learn, be resources for reality checks and just generally support your own development. There are loads of online groups, although I strongly suggest you find one that meets offline, as well. That's because there are many fantasy players who wouldn't be helpful to people who want to do BDSM in real life. Search for BDSM support groups and sample some before picking one or two where you'd like to make some friends. It's likely you'll find someone who's been in the same boat you're in now and can give you even more ideas.

I hope these suggestions are helpful. If this isn't what you need, though, please feel free to ask another question and include more details.

Mistress Violette


BDSM INFORMATION

Resources on female dominance:
The first is: The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance  by Lorelei

Lorelei is careful to explain that she's writing about domestic discipline rather than BDSM. To me, it's a difference in semantics and the book is helpful no matter how you label what you're doing. A bit of disclosure, I know the author personally and I recommend her book because she's a safe, sane, competent player.

The second book is: The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners  by Lady Green

It's definitely a book for beginners, not threatening and open minded. Lady Green is the source of one of my favorite quotes about BDSM, "If you ain't havin' fun, you ain't doin' it right."

And the third book is: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon

Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

When I was first getting into BDSM, I had the pleasure of chatting online with Gloria Brame, one of the authors of Different Loving. You might want to take a look at that book sometime, too. But Gloria has a site with lots of information, from a female dominant's perspective. Especially check out her discussion board and kinky resources at: http://gloriabrame.com/

Akasha is a female dominant with lots of experience. Her site is mainly for paying male submissives but there is some useful information for female doms in the For Women Only section on her site: http://www.akashaweb.com/

General BDSM resources:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html