AboutMaster Shadow Expertise Can answer your BD/SM Lifestyle questions regarding flogging, caning, paddles, whips, scening, fear play, wax play, sensual knife play, humiliation, fisting, anal, violet wands, clamps, ice play, books, breathplay including blood chokes, cuffs, collars, furniture, collaring ceremonies, links, gags, toys and other items used in the lifestyle, Will not answer questions regarding medical advice in regards to the Lifestyle. I am a sadist, married to a Domme, who is also a sadist, am the owner of two, and enjoy the 24/7 lifestyle.
Experience 31 Years experience in the BD/SM Lifestyle.
Organizations Terre Haute S.I.N. Social Interaction Network (CoFounder).
Publications Alt Magazine, on "Honor and Respect".
Education/Credentials , Member of The Dungeon Monitors Association, as well as The Violet Wand Guild, and life experience.
Expert: Master Shadow Date: 7/11/2008 Subject: New Sub
Question Although I have always felt submissive in my 'vanilla' relationships, I am uncertain as to how to proceed with a D/s relationship. I have met a potential D online and we speak on the telephone and have built up a level of trust that, Quite frankly, surprises me. How do i know if this lifestyle is for me as the submissiveness seems so severe. What should i be looking for in this guy? I feel safe talking to him and he is very patient with me but i do not want to waste his time? Please help
Answer The only way for you to know if the Lifestyle is for you is to experience it first hand. Submissiveness can be severe, or easy, it depends on the individual, though. Not all collars are "burdensome", and many have found happiness in their collars.
As far as what to look for, I would use the same set of standards you would use to find a spouse. Remember, the bdsm Lifestyle goes further than most vanilla relationships. The feelings are stronger, and the level of trust deeper.
Honesty, Honor, Loyalty, Dignity. These would seem to me to be what a person should seek in a Dominant, Mistress, or Master. Without these qualities, I would feel the relationship would flounder in the long run. Remember, a Man is only as good as His word. If a Man's word means nothing, then they are without honor, and in my opinion, not worth a second glance.
As far as how to proceed, I would proceed slowly, and each of Y/you get to know the O/other first. Set up a probationary collar, and contract. Six months is a good start. It gives each of Y/you a chance to get to know the O/other, and see if there are any incomparability issues that need changing.
Talk over each O/one's desires, hopes, and expectations in this relationship. This is the time to negotiate the contract. This is when you list your interests, soft, and hard limits, set up safe words, and get down to what each expects from the O/other.
Remember, this will be a learning time for B/both of Y/you, so expect little problems to arise from time to time, and work through them. Honesty, in all things is a good motto to have at this time. If there is something about you, or Him, that needs to be addressed, now is the time. Be honest, even if there is a possibility of hurting the O/other's feelings. Honesty of this type is often not easy, but in my opinion, necessary, especially in the beginning.
A relationship should be based on trust, honesty, and caring. Coming to your Dominant, and telling them something that will hurt them is never easy, but often necessary if the relationship is to pull through the tough times, and there will be tough times. There always are. But, if Y/you care for each O/other enough to proceed with this relationship, you will work through it without any trouble.
I hope this helps. If you need further clarification, please feel free to write again.
