AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Question Hi. I was raised in a very sheltered religious home, but had thoughts of
BDSM(though with nothing to name it as such) for years. I am currently
married, and my husband is also my Dominant, after five years of what us in
the lifestyle would name a regular marriage :), I finally came out and spoke to
him about my desires and he was quite willing to accomodate. My question is
this. Our day to day life is quite vanilla as it were, children, normal job, my
family lives close, we have to keep a tight lid on our BDSM lifestyle, and on
top of that is my upbringing. Its dirty, its wrong, so on so forth. Most of the
time I have no problem, it was liberating when i finally came forward and told
my husband.. But sometimes, I have those shadows from my past come
forward and niggle at me. Its dirty , its wrong. Even though i know I am being
true and honest to myself, and to us. They are not very frequent, and the best
I can figure is that they are remainders of my childhood, coming back to me...
Is this normal? It has been about.. 4 years now for us. I would still consider
us learning, very much so. Is this something that is common for people
coming from sheltered, religious backgrounds, experience?
If so, I'm sure its individual the best way to deal with it.. But any suggestions?
Thank You for Your time,
-Angel
Answer Hello, Angel,
Those shadows and nigglings are common, period. I've known people from all kinds of backgrounds to have them. I suspect people who engage in many other alternate sexualities feel them, too. Our culture isn't very receptive to too many variations on plain vanilla sex and the message we send people is that liking them, wanting them, is bad. We're very judgmental about things we know little about. It's a shame, because what's really bad is people trying to find fulfillment and not being comfortable doing it, not because there's anything inherently wrong with their interests but because someone else thought there was.
I think the best way to deal with the feelings is with critical thinking. Look at how you might have gotten the idea that BDSM is dirty or wrong. Where did it come from? More important, what was the rationale? I suspect you'll find the answer to the latter questions is someone else saying, "I don't know, it just is." So ask yourself, "Is it?" Does the satisfaction you feel and the completion you experience feel wrong to you? Is it damaging? Or is it good and satisfying?
It's a matter of assessing your interests without using someone else's filter. That's not easy to do, because those filters have been there for a while and they're strong. Coming to grips with those feelings, working through them and eventually banishing them is a process. My sense is your own practicality and self awareness will help you through it successfully. You're questioning the validity of those ideas, so you're already on the right path.
You're right to keep a tight lid on your BDSM, especially as parents. You're working to resolve this issue for your own peace of mind. Keeping your lifestyle from others isn't hiding, it's being tasteful as well as considerate of others. There's no need to offend other people or cause them discomfort. Your decision in that regard is both reasonable and responsible.
I think you've done an exceptional job so far, Angel. Keep up the good work!
