AboutMistress Violette Expertise I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.
Experience Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.
Education/Credentials My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.
Expert: Mistress Violette Date: 7/13/2008 Subject: approached my MARRIED man, wants to serve, says it's "okay"
Question Recently I was approached by a guy I know who was very articulate about his fresh understanding that he is a submissive, and had apparently been checking me out for a while, and wants to be my servant (although there is nothing about me historically that would have led him to think I was up for this. It was based purely on personal perception). HE'S MARRIED, and says he and his wife have talked about it, hired a Dom for a session, etc., but that she's a small-town Midwestern girl and wants to stay that way, but if he wants to pursue this, it's fine with her, she "just doesn't want to know about it". He said he's very Alpha male and that's how his wife wants to see him. As we talked I realized that he is talking about a lifestyle, not an evening or a day, he means spending the whole week with me remote-controlling him, making sure he stays on track, but he was saying that he would be MY servant, taking care of MY chores, and if he keeps it on track he would get some kind of reward (I'm assuming, of course, there is some sexual content to this, although I am not at all sure how far it would go. For all I know he may be meaning a KISS, once a week. That would all have been something spelled out). He said he's been doing things like surfing porn all day and masturbating 5-6 times a day when he should be pulling his weight around his own household, and thinks this arrangement, as a submissive/servant, is what he needs ("needs"?) to get him out of this irresponsible slump.
There are so many reasons I can see for why I won't do this. First of all, I don't buy for one minute that his wife would allow it, no matter what she says. This arrangement seems incredibly INTIMATE to me, and not the kind of thing that a healthy marriage could incorporate. And if he's doing all these things for ME, what about his OWN home life and contributions? There isn't enough time in anyone's day to pull this off! The only way I could see it working is if his wife was in on the whole thing, knew precisely what it would entail, and if, in fact, I was making sure he was directing all his energy toward his OWN home. But, apparently, part of the thrill for him is in the noticing of all small things of his chosen one, and doing all those millions of small things to please, to show he notices, to show he cares, and she doesn't like that kind of way of being, for lack of a better phrase. What's going on here? Is this how it's done? I could see it happening if he was with someone else, someone who didn't call herself a "small-town girl"...
It looks to me like a crack therapist would be in order here; this just doesn't seem like someone giving play to some socially-forbidden facet of himself. My sense is that there is a long-standing dissatisfaction with his partnership and with himself, a lack of self-acceptance.
PLEASE COMMENT! I found the whole proposition incredibly compelling, but the screaming warning sirens in my head made it very clear that it is not something I should enter into. I would like to hear everything and anything you have to say about this.
Sincerely
me
Answer Hello, Lala,
I think it's important not to ignore red flags, so I like your thinking in that regard. I also like that you're looking for information. If you find you truly have an interest in domination and submission, gathering information is a good way of going about figuring things out for yourself.
There isn't any need for a therapist, though. What you've described is all about someone giving play to some socially-forbidden facet of himself. It just has little to do with BDSM, except superficially. This man is asking you to be not his dominant, but his vibrator.
Domination and submission is power exchange, plain and simple. All the things most people think of as BDSM - bondage, obedience, collars, and so on - are manifestations of the control, or power, a submissive gives to the dominant. What a submissive craves is being controlled. When someone craves being controlled, it's the control that's important, not the manifestation. So when someone has specific requirements about how he wants to be controlled and especially when he expects a reward - for doing what he wants to do! - he wants kinky sex, not submission. (Note: "Kinky sex" in the sense of finding something arousing, not necessarily sexual intercourse.)
If this man was submissive he'd explain that he has a need to give up control and to please you in a way determined by you. He would be offering to serve you and make you happy, leaving it up to you to negotiate the details of how that would happen. Instead, this man is telling you how he's been "bad," how you can correct that, and that he expects to be rewarded for your hard work. Because, really, what's in this for you? Monitoring his activities when he's right there with you wouldn't be a picnic. Imagine how much work it is to do it remotely. And I really doubt his idea of doing your chores extends to mowing your lawn, washing you car and doing your housework.
It is possible for people to have primary partners and also secondary BDSM partners, it depends on the marriage. I do think your sense is correct, though. If the wife wants to pretend it isn't happening, that's probably not a good thing. She wouldn't need to be deeply involved but some interest on her part would be more comfortable for all concerned. It wouldn't be unreasonable for her to want to meet a potential dominant and ask some questions.
So, some of what this man is proposing is reasonable, it's just that I doubt his motives. I think he saw a video or a femdom magazine, got turned on and decided he was submissive. I think he doesn't really know what it means to be submissive and probably doesn't realize he's asking you for fantasy fulfillment play, without offering you much in return. I don't think he's a bad person, just one who's following the ideas of the wrong head. If you think BDSM might be for you, I'd say say no to this man and yes to some good reading about what BDSM actually is.
