Expert: Mistress Violette - 7/23/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi there,

I am a sub, in my first major D/s relationship with another woman. I do have experience in D/s in the past, but this is definitely the longest relationship I have had with any type of power exchange dynamic.

My Mistress and I speak a lot about how I feel, how she feels etc and I feel our communication is good. However, recently she has been hinting or out-right stating that I am "too good". That I wouldn't know how to brat it up if I tried. What I hear when she says that, is that she's bored. That I don't challenge her mind enough. She's not into completely bratty submissives, but I agree with her. I *am* too good. My fear of making her angry or disappointing her overpowers my want to brat it up a little to hold her attention.

She also has told me that a good sub knows when to brat it up a little, in the right way. I agree. I am bad and often punished, but it's never to get attention. It's me making honest mistakes, not realizing I've done something wrong until I'm already in big trouble. She says the kind of bad I am is the kind that makes her very angry, it's not the "good kind of bad".

I suppose my question has something to do with some pointers for being the "good kind of bad". Lately I have been experimenting with being a little defiant verbally, pouting a little more, but in the right times and the right ways and I have noticed a difference. I'm wondering though if you can offer suggestions on OTHER ways I might do this. Any ways I can spice things up for her a little, in the right way.

I realize all relationships are different, as are the things that can trigger/upset/inspire a Domme but anything you can offer as a suggestion would be of great use to me. There isn't much info online about being "Too good" or maintaining months and months after training.

Thank you kindly :)



ANSWER: Hi, Kaila,

Actually, I think a soupçon of fear in a submissive is a good thing. :) I think I see what you and your mistress are saying, though. She doesn't mean bratty in the sense of testing, she just wants a little less unthinking compliance. There's a difference between a bratty sub and one who thinks critically. It looks to me like your mistress is looking for the latter. I don't blame her because, to be frank, a sub who does no critical thinking and mindlessly obeys isn't much fun. You get major props for understanding submission but, yes, you'll both have more fun if you can relax and not constantly focus on being the good sub.  You see, you still haven't quite given up control.

I'm not going to make suggestions about things you should do to spice things up. For one thing, I might be totally wrong! More importantly,  the issue is with thinking, not acting. If you're concerned with performing, you won't have fun and you won't be fun. So let's look at ways you can change thinking. The behavior that follows that change will be natural: you won't have to work at it and it will be more rewarding for you and your mistress.

Who are you outside the BDSM relationship? You shouldn't be much different within the relationship. I suspect there are facets of your personality you show to your co-workers, vanilla friends and family you don't show to your mistress. Are you sometimes more snarky, for instance, or directive or opinionated with others but not with your mistress? Are you censoring yourself with your mistress in ways you don't with others? Are there opinions, ideas, changes you'd like to see in the relationship that you're not voicing, due to that fear you mentioned? I don't think what your mistress is missing is pouting or small defiances. I think it's input and playfulness and, sometimes, painful honesty. In your quest to be as good as can be probably you've filtered some ideas and actions you don't think are appropriate. You've been trying to be the perfect sub. In the process you've left out some of the interesting parts. Your mistress is telling you she wants to see the total package, not just the pretty parts. In essence, she's given you permission to be who you are, warts and all. You don't need gimmicks or lists of things to do, you just need to be honest about the warts.

There will be days when you don't feel well, when you're not perky, when you think your mistress is being unreasonable or just plain foolish. What you've been doing is pushing that down, acting like it didn't exist, so as not to anger or disappoint. Try not doing that. Instead, make your feelings known. Now, I don't mean stomp your feet and demand but there's nothing wrong with a submissive respectfully expressing herself. Share a complaint, state a problem, make a joke, ask a question - be human. Your mistress wants to own Kaila, not Kaila-the-slave. I think, for you, there's been a difference and that's what's bothering your mistress. Fuse the two, Kaila, be your own lovely and less than perfect self. I think you'll both enjoy each other, and the relationship, more if you do.

Mistress Violette




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: First..thank you so much for the quick and very helpful response. You made a lot of really helpful suggestions and I think a lot of what you said is probably true for me.

The part that maybe I didn't clarify enough in my question was about how we do relate. How deep the level is that we share on. How much I do open myself up completely and fully to her. We really work through some pretty intense things (outside of the bedroom), she does see the weak, the vulnerable, the insecure and the down right pathetic parts of me fairly regularly. She handles them with extraordinary brilliance and always appreciates my honesty. She even makes jokes about how I never shut up about the really deep stuff going on with either of us.

So this is where I get confused. I feel we spend so much time looking at the more intense things and much less time with the playful and fun. She doesn't give me service type tasks, she gives me tasks *always* that require me taking risks with myself. I am also given sexual tasks, or often tasks that require me showing some self control.

She's mentioned before that something she loves about being a Dominant is the critial thinking required on HER part in order to bring the submissive into taking the leaps of faith  she presents them with. I feel like she doesn't offer me many of those anymore. Sometimes I wonder if she just isn't challenging *me* enough anymore. I feel though, I could provoke these feelings in her.. I feel like I could be playful and challenging/mouthy/bratty/defiant (whatever you want to call it) enough to inspire the Dominant in her to come out and engage me. I want her to feel as though I'm a new sub again, one she has to win the trust and submission of at times. I know that must be an amazing feeling, it certainly is on the opposite end of it and I really want us to both feel that again.

Also, I definitely am the type of person outside of this relationship who is very opinionated, engaging, directive, etc. She gets to see those sides of me, but it's rarely directed at her, if ever.

I just want to playfully engage her, challenge her, bring back that spark in her that makes her mind say "Oh you think so, huh? You're not going to outsmart me, I'm about to show you who's boss."

Part of my problem maybe how critally I *do* think about all of this.

Thank you so much, I reallllllly appreciate anyhelp or advice you can offer.

Answer
Hello, Kaila,

Thinking critically to yourself and acting on your conclusions are two different things. It sounds like you're at the point where you want to stop thinking and start doing. Let's look at a possibility for action that you might consider.

I guess one thing I'd ask you to consider is whether your mistress is truly joking when she says you never shut up about the really deep stuff going on. You said you think you spend time looking at deep matters at the expense of playfulness. It sounds likes your mistress might think the same. I'm not saying she wishes you'd stop all together. It sounds like she's very good at taking care of you regarding some important issues and that you want and appreciate that. It also sounds like you share a common yearning for more fun. She may be giving you more growth inducing tasks because she thinks you really need them, based on things you've shared. You may be thinking her concern is your growth, so you keep doing things that inspire her to give you growth inducing tasks. Meanwhile, you're both wanting to do a little dance, make a little love and, well, you know how it goes.

So, considering you both want this change, I'm wondering  why you think the responsibility to change this is all yours? If partners share a common desire, it makes sense for them to work on that together. You believe your mistress is open to less than deep but you're not really sure how she wants you to help accomplish that. She's hinting she's open to playful but not telling you what that looks like. It seems like the two of you are trying to read each other's minds. While I've often wished that was possible, it rarely works. :) Why don't you use the skills you use outside the BDSM relationship to respectfully and playfully open a dialog about fun within the relationship? I've found that relationships are easier when partners do the work together.

I hope I'm going in the right direction now but, if not, feel free to ask again.

Mistress Violette