Expert: Mistress Violette - 7/21/2008

Question
My husband wants to be dominated.  Humiliated.  Spanked.  He doesn't necessarily want to be hurt badly - but wants to kiss my boots, make me dress up in leather, be verbally humiliated, etc.  I've read about 10 books now - and I get the idea.  The concept.  But I just cannot relate.  It is like asking me to 'BE' a homosexual - when I'm not.  I can understand it mentally - but I just can't go there myself.  I've TRIED to act out the role but he says I don't 'fake' it very well.  He says I'll never BE there because I don't understand it.  OK, fine.  I've offered for him to go to a professional.  No, he doesn't want this.  He wants his wife to be this person - but ONLY in the bedroom and ONLY related to sex.  Once he cums, then the whole 'game' is over til he feels the sexual need again.  Well according to what I've read that really isn't Femdom at all.  In fact it seems like him dominating me to get what he wants til he cums.  And I get nothing.  Anyway - our marriage is just about over - mainly because we can't get past this point.  How do I become a part time Femdom or how do you suggest we move on?  He thinks 'cheating' with a professional means he should leave me and find someone who can participate 'for real'.  Well I'm about ready to say he should do just that!  What do you think?

Answer
Hi, Kacey,

I think you've been reading the right books. Your husband is looking for kinky sex, not domination. A submissive wants to give up control. He thinks it's lovely if his dominant dresses to entice him and enjoys doing to him things he likes, but he's just as happy if she doesn't, as long as she's in control. When a person gives you a list of things he wants you to do to him til he cums, who exactly is in control? You're spot on in your perception of what he wants.

A pro domme is just what your husband needs. Although there's no sex involved, she'll meet his need for humiliation and fetish clothing. It will be an hour of exactly what he wants but, if done skillfully, he'll feel like it's actual control.

I hope your husband understands how much you've done for him. Not a lot of wives would be willing to read the books, let along try to act the part or offer the option of seeing a pro. You've tried to meet him more than half way and, as you noted, you haven't gotten much, including thanks.

It's important for your husband to realize that what he's doing is not submitting and what's he asking for is not domination. His interest isn't unusual or wrong, it's just that it's not domination and submission. Once he's aware  that what he wants is role play he should understand that he has to offer you something, as well. What that is is up to you. You might be more comfortable role playing with him if there's something in it for you - housework done, say, or meals prepared, served and the kitchen cleaned up. Or you might prefer a role play of your own, a fantasy you'd like him to fulfill. Whatever works for you, you can negotiate somethin that will benefit each of you. If not, seeing a pro with your knowledge and consent isn't cheating. It's no different than seeing a personal trainer or taking a one on one class with a chef. It's paying a professional to help meet a need or accomplish a goal.

It's not easy to work out through this sort of situation but it's not impossible, either. It takes understanding, patience, consideration and willingness to do the work. If your husband wants to use this situation as an excuse to end the marriage, then there's something else that's the real problem. In that case, you might need the help of a professional counselor, because you're dealing with a relationship issue, not a BDSM problem. Sometimes the insight of a neutral third party is very helpful, so I hope you're both willing to invest in counseling if that's what's needed.

I hope all turns out well for you, Kacey.

Mistress Violette