Expert: Lady Aryana - 7/22/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello and thank you for offering your time and thoughts.  I am a new sub and I have met a man that I think the world of.   I feel we are a perfect match not only in  BDSM but also in the vanilla since.  This is a long distance relationship and I am ready to meet him in person.  We met 3-4 months ago online and in the beginning I was rushing him.  I just hate wasting my time.  I am glad that he made me wait.  I have learned a lot few things about myself in the waiting process.  However, it was overwhelming at first.  He told me to write him everyday.  I was doing that but I did not know what to write to him about.  I am a very private person and I was not sure as to what he wanted to hear about.  I would ask him and he would not tell me.   I have gotten over the not knowing what to write about thing.  Now it is the phone.  For some reason he makes me so nervous.  I can talk to anyone anytime and never feel anxious at all.  But, when I talk to him I turn into a 6 year old. .  In my writings I have a lot to say now.    I look forward to talking to him but when I do I become speechless.  I think my nervousness is going to cause him to seek another sub.   So, my question is, is it normal for a new sub to feel this way?  And  I have heard that to alleviate the sub frenzy you should play with a friend.  I would really like to wait for him.  But if I can not are doms understanding to their subs sexual needs?  


ANSWER: Cinder

Yes it is very common to feel nervous,, Many go through these feelings.. The more you talk to him the less you will get.. Even after a long term relationship I still got nervous at times. When you write him explain to him just what you said to me, this  might help him understand more, and he will be able to help you in some ways, Although it comes down to you. Being honest will help you a great deal.

 I do not suggest you play with friends in order to get past this feeling. Friend understand you and know you so the feels you have will be different, so you truly can not work out the feelings you are going through.. Although in order to try something new such as a flogger, cane or some other toy, this is a good idea. Chances are, your friends will know your limits just as well as you if you are close to them.

Doms only understand you needs if you talk to them about what it is you are wishing. Again, talk is the key in a Master/slave relationship. So the more you talk, yes the more he will be understanding.

What is it you wish him to wait for? Meeting you? Set up a meeting, and before you met, talk about the things you wish to explore.. These are called limits or scenes to a play session. The more you scene the more you will explore. Alot of people do not have sex when they first meet, so this would be something you could consider. Just sit down and explain to him it is you are looking for in the first meeting, if he is a Dom he will understand.

Good luck

Marie

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks for the advice.  You asked me what am I making him wait for.  It is not me it is him.  He is making me wait.  I don't understand why he is making me wait to meet him.  Is being in a dom/sub relationship different from being in a vanilla relationship?

Answer
cinder,

 Oh ok, him making you wait could be his way of building the excitement so when you do wait he knows just what it is you are wanting to do.. They say the first time is the best.. This could be why. The longer you wait the more he knows about you and the better he can make the meeting.

 It could be, each relationship is different. Depends just what is required of you, and what he expects in the relationship. Although for the most part, the relationships are the same. We love, we care, we share, we get upset, we get disappointed and we are happy. The only real difference is there is a power exchange.. Even in vanilla relationships there is one but it isn't always as noticeable.

 Good luck, and if you need anything please feel free to let me know.

Marie