Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/22/2008

Question
QUESTION: My husband and I were originally looking for an occasional subfem for our sexual enjoyment. We are new to BDSM, very new.

We have come upon a woman who desires to be a full-time, live-in subfem, to serve all our needs.

I'm not exactly sure what to make of this. It is our ideal situation, DH would love to have another woman here to serve him and be a handmaiden to me, but how does this "work" in a practical setting? I have 5 children and stay at home to care for them, my husband and our home. I can always use domestic support and friendship would be nice. Is she allowed to be my friend? I could not on a 24/7 basis be a domfem. I am honestly considering this possibility because I think it could meet all of our needs and desires, but I need to know how it all works. Also, and I don't mean to sound dim, but would she be paid?

Thank you for your advice.

ANSWER: Hello, Christina,

You're very lucky to have found someone who is promising what this woman is. It's rare. So rare, in fact, that I'm kind of questioning your good luck. I'm sure you're going to go slowly and get lots of information about this person before you decide to proceed, especially if she's someone you've only met online.

Since you have children, please be very, very cautious about any BDSM activities in your home. Just as vanilla parents don't want their children to be aware of their sex lives, BDSM parents want to keep their power exchange relationship away from their children's awareness as well. There are people who successfully combine BDSM and family, but it requires a great deal of caution. One thing you would need to consider is how to introduce and explain this woman's presence, not just to your children, but also to family and friends.

You and your husband would have to agree on the role this person would have in your lives. It sounds as though he's interested in sexual activities. You need to be sure you're going to be ok with that. Also, what will happen if he wants sex and you want a massage? It's up to the dominants to sort out situations like this, not the submissive. You and your husband will need to decide on everyone's responsibilities, communicate them to the submissive and assure her agreement and understanding.

You set the parameters of the relationship. You might want to be friendly with your submissive or you might want a more formal relationship. As the dominant, you do what's comfortable for you. You discuss that with potential submissives when you're trying to determine mutual compatibility. Although you won't always be actively doing BDSM, as the dominant you're always responsible. While it's often advisable to get a submissive's input, all decisions are yours. It's possible to have a friendly relationship but there will always be an inequality that prevents a "best friends" situation.

Finances are another area you and your husband would work out and then discuss with the submissive.You wouldn't pay her as an employee but you might set up an account for her so she would have something if the relationship ended. Some people advocate submissives having no money or no control of their own money. I'm not comfortable with that because I think dominants need to help submissives plan for eventualities. Others are fine with it, however. Again it's a matter of preference but I think financial safety is a legitimate area to consider.

Before you get to far into this, it might be helpful for you and your husband to get more information on the BDSM dynamic. I have some favorite sites that I think can help in your explorations:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml  (Click on BDSM Resources)
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
As you read, you'll see there are many different styles and degrees of BDSM. It's not necessary to pick one and try to fit it. Instead, try on various ideas and ways of doing things, then take what works for you and put it all together into a safe, sane and consensual philosophy of BDSM that works for you.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you, Mistress, for your prompt reply!

I have been looking around some of the BDSM sites and suspect that this might not be as good a deal as it sounds. Likely, such an excellent sub would not be without a master for 18 months as she contends.

Can you suggest dialogue that would help us sort out fact from fiction? Obviously, we have a lot at stake.

I am ok with a sexual relationship between my husband and her, as well as an expectation of my own sexual relationship with her. She and I are both bisexual.

If nothing else, this subfem has opened my eyes to the possibility of this being a functional and enjoyable situation for us. It is certainly worth exploring.

Answer
Hello, Kristina,

I wish I could tell you some sure fire things to ask to help you evaluate this person but I can't. For me, a tip off is usually when someone tells me about his "experience" and it's straight out of fiction. With your own experience being limited this might not work for you but, still, it wouldn't hurt to ask her for details of her previous experience and what she's looking for now. Then see if it seems realistic. I think your best bet, though, is to keep learning yourselves. If you wind up taking on a very experienced submissive you'll need to do that anyway. The more you know the better able you are to assess her.

One thing I would urge you to do is be sure you understand the difference between power exchange and kinky sex. If the turn on is doing certain things, you're probably interested in kinky sex. If the turn on is that you do things because you have that control, it's more likely BDSM. If you can identify which you are it will save a lot of confusion and disappointment as you look for partners.

You have an exciting journey ahead and I wish you all the best.

Mistress Violette