Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/31/2008

Question
I have been interested in a sub/dom relationship for a long time.
I've always been interested in bondage, I have a lot of things I want to explore, physically, mentally and emotionally, but I've never been able to find a partner - a dom to my sub.
All the additional trouble aside, I've finally started conversing with an individual interested in being my dom, training me, as it were.
He's military, in the Marines, soon to return home from Iraq, and wants me to come stay with him for a while.
However.
He's several years younger than me, and I'm not old at all. My friend pointed out that if he's in the military, he's certainly no "kid", but how can I be certain that he isn't? How much experience does a person have to have before its reasonable for them to be bringing someone into that lifestyle?
How do I know that I'm not going into a situation where instead of a real dominant, a proper master, I'm getting a kid that just thinks dom/sub is about having a girl that's willing to do everything you want and you don't have to give her the time of day, because you're the proverbial boss?
What kind of questions do I need to be asking? Not only him, but myself.
What sort of things am I supposed to look for?
How am I ever to break into that aspect of my life I'm desperately trying to satisfy, without finding myself terribly burned?
Everyone I've ever dated had been highly opposed to it, so I've tried looking elsewhere for help.
How do I get on the right track, and what am I supposed to be looking for with him?

Answer
Hi, Marie,

In a world where people sometimes go rushing off into "dom/sub" relationships with little thought or planning, it's great to hear from someone who wants to be prepared. I think the most important concept you expressed is that you need to look to yourself for answers first. Just because you don't have a partner it doesn't mean you can't educate yourself. I don't think it's necessary for a submissive to wait to be taught by a dom. After all, submissive is something you are, not something you learn to be. Each individual dominant is responsible for communicating his or her preferences and expectations to a submissive but your philosophy and style of submission develop based on what's inside you. So, first, educate yourself. Doing so will make you a better potential submissive and it will also help you in selecting a suitable dominant.

There are some sites I think are especially helpful.They are:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

As you explore, you'll note the authors have different perspectives. It's not that you want to pick one; it's that you want to read critically, to find what suits you. From the concepts that resonate with you will come your own personal style of BDSM. You'll change and refine it as you learn, but you need to start out with some basic ideas of what you're looking for and what you want to experience and accomplish as a submissive.

I also suggest you check out this book: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It's great for learning basics, especially in terms of technique.

I'm always skeptical when I see an early to mid twenties person professing to be a capable dominant (or submissive). To me, it's important to learn about building relationships, ideas in BDSM and technique. Very few young people will have had the time and opportunity to be adept at all these things. So I think you're right to question the competence of your prospective dom. Ask him for details about his experience and evaluate critically. Does it sound realistic or is it more like the plot of a BDSM themed porn movie? Does it sound safe, sane and consensual? And, most important, is he talking about something you'd like to experience? There are many people who see only the sexual component of BDSM and don't understand the power exchange aspects, there are others who want either just power exchange or power exchange type activities. If you're both not on the same wavelength in that regard, the results could be disappointing. Just by the way, a capable and experienced player will be happy to give you all the information you need about his experience, BDSM point of view, and interests. You want more than just a play list. If that's all he gives you or if he won't share this information, he's probably not for you. Also, the time to plan to stay for a while with someone is after you know him very well, having met face to face.

You might consider joining a BDSM support group, either on line or in real life. If you go the online route, pick a group in which at least some of the members meet off line. Online fantasy role playing is fine but only if you're not looking for a real time relationship. You can search for "BDSM support group" to find people with whom you'd be comfortable. Join looking for friends and information, of course, but a group can turn out to be a resource for finding partners, too.

Good luck in your journey, Marie.

Mistress Violette