Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/28/2008

Question
I am very into power exchange relationships as well as ageplay and other such things.  My fiance is not familiar with these types of things, and sometimes when I show him websites or things that interest me he comments on how "weird" it is.  Don't get me wrong, he is open and willing to try things, but just not to the extent I feel like I need to be at.  I think a lot of his hesitation is due to the fact that he feels directionless and unprepared, and a bit silly when we attempt roleplay.  Is there a good way to introduce more of this to him?  How can I help us both to be happy in this relationship?  Are there instructional sites for him to look at?

Answer
Hi, Anna,

I think you're right about the source of your fiancé's discomfort, at least partially. It's also possible that his interest isn't as deep as yours and it's his commitment to you that's driving him. It's great that he's openminded and willing to do this for you. Just be aware that, no matter how much he learns, it may always be his desire to make you happy that motivates him, rather than his own desire. That's a wonderful thing, as is your interest in helping him understand and making him happy.

There are some sites I like to recommend. They offer several perspectives on BDSM, so your fiancé can explore the various ideas and maybe find something that appeals to him. They are:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

It's hard not to feel silly the first few times and also a little bit scared. You're right, being prepared can help. In addition to the websites, the two of you might want to check out this book: Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. Although written from a male dom/female sub point of view, this book works for all types of BDSM relationships and is great for technical help.

You seem to have given this lots of thought and to be headed in the right direction. It may be tempting to move too fast but I think you know to take things slow and let him experiment and get acclimated. Who knows, he may find something he didn't know he'd been missing! It sounds like you have a great relationship and I wish you the best as you explore this new facet together.

Mistress Violette