Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/7/2008

Question
My bf has just dropped a bombshell on me....he told me that he wants our relationship to head in the direction of collaring.  I had no idea what it means..he told me to look it up.  i couldnt find it, then i found what it means,not thinking it was bsdm...i was so shocked...i realised that he has been grooming me or training me..i guess i am a bit dense..but in my defence i never thought he was into BSDM..i thought he was being a bit weird..
like he has made me promise to obey him and that he is my master...i like this assertive side to him..and i trust and love him... but to be collared...for me to be his submissive and this BSDM world...i am so scared...my instinct is to walk away..because if i start on a journey will i end up in a place i dont want to be.. can u please suggest sites for me to look at so i can make an informed decision and any hints for my position

Answer
Hi, Cybil,

I'm glad you're interested in learning about BDSM and I encourage you to do that. It probably wouldn't hurt for your boyfriend to look into this a little further, too. It's usually not a good idea to do stealth sub training. Happy, healthy BDSM relationships require not only the willing agreement of both partners but a good deal of discussion and negotiation.

Sometimes people aren't aware of all the nuances involved in this type of relationship. That can made for bad feelings and failed relationships. If you do decide to pursue this, know that there's nothing wrong with a submissive asking for discussion and information. Also, please keep in mind that it's never wise to ignore your gut feelings. Wile BDSM can be scary, it should also be something you desire. If you don't feel safe and comfortable pursuing BDSM, don't allow yourself to be talked into doing something you don't want to do. That's not BDSM.

I'm happy to recommend some sites about BDSM for you.

These sites have general information about BDSM:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml  (Click on BDSM Resources)
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm

I'm going to include these sites, about BDSM and abuse, just FYI:
http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml
http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/u.htm
http://www.butch-femme.com/dv.html

You're going to be getting a lot of information from these sites, some of which will lead to even more sites. Just take your time and move at a pace that's comfortable for you. You'll agree with some things you read and disagree with others. That's fine. The idea is to show you how other people do things not so you can duplicate that but so you can decide what you want to do.

Good luck to you, Cybil. I wish you the best.

Mistress Violette