Expert: Mistress Violette - 8/18/2008

Question
Over the last year I have been reading up on BDSM and coming to terms with just the idea that I may be a sub.  In the last month I have been e-mailing a dom who recently moved to the area.  I expressed an interest in training and after more e-mails and a phone call, we agreed to meet.  However the day of the meeting, he sent me an e--mail outline our first meeting and then informing me it would be 60HH or 100H and should be placed in an envelope labeled "donation.  Now this threw me and I asked him why charge and his response was that if I had to ask I then I wasn't ready.   This made me pause for a bit and I decided it was worth it just to find out if it was even remotely my "thing".  He said he had over 15 years experience, he's abt 50, and he definitely knew what to do.  But the money thing throws me for a couple of reasons.  First if I am paying he in essence working for me, so who is really in charge, second, I am insecure to feel like he is charging me b/c I am not some slim young thing, and third, I am married so I am not looking for a committed dom realtionship.  On the otherhand, I decided it was cheaper than flying to Reno and finding a whorehouse that could meet those needs.  What do you think of this situation.  Thank you for your time and help in advance.  Lee

Answer
Hello, Lee,

You've hit on what I see as the great conundrum of professional domination - if you pay for the service, who's really in charge? The submissive becomes a customer, someone who needs to get what he wants in order for the dom to have repeat business. I think both parties to the transaction have to understand this, negotiate the scene, and then not allow the payment portion to upset the dynamic. In other words, the submissive has to give up control, stop being the customer and submit. A skilled dominant can provide the experience of submission. It won't be exactly the same as a personal relationship, but can be close enough to fulfill a need or to help a person explore his interest in submission. Too, many of a pro domme's clients aren't submissives; they're people looking for kinky sex, so this set up works just fine for them. To be clear, by "kinky sex" I mean an activity done because the submissive finds it a turn on, not because he needs power exchange. Even so, professional dominants don't provide sex; they are not prostitutes.

There are professional male doms but it doesn't sound like that's the case with this man. If a person is going to charge for his services he should make that known long before setting up a meeting. We always say honesty and good communication are of great importance in a BDSM relationship. That this person sprang a fee on you at the last minute isn't in line with either of those. A true professional would have given you this information in the beginning, so you could factor it into your decision about meeting. To me, this behavior was neither respectful of you as a person nor a sign that he is competent. That makes me wonder if he really did know what to do. Perhaps he only did what he hoped would keep you coming back.

I think you might want to learn more about how to meet other members of the gay leather community. One of the other experts here, Superboy (http://www.allexperts.com/ep/2733-89343/BDSM/Superboy.htm), has lots of experience in that area. You might ask him for some advice about meeting not just dominants, but people of all interests who can give you support and help you learn.

Good luck to you, Lee.

Mistress Violette