Expert: Oscar G. - 8/31/2008

Question
Dear Oscar,
Thank you so much for volunteering to answer questions ...this is much appreciated!!!!!

Background:
I am a male master, 55 yrs old
The slave I am talking about is 44, female, my wife
We have been together for 15 years, married for 8 of them
She is not currently with me.

The Situation:
About a month ago my slave told me that she didn't want to be my slave any more. I did something that under the law would be deemed inapropriate, and she put her slave jewellry on the bed and left.
I have not seen her since.
I have speculations as to why, after 15 years she said something which is SO out of character for her.

a) she was just staring through menopause

b) I was attracted to her daughter who was over 18 (nothing happened)

c) With her full knowledge and seemingly 100% support, over the course of about 3 years I was spending a lot of time looking on the Internet for a sister slave for her. She is bisexual. Perhaps I was spending too much time...I don't know

d) I was showing interest in aspects of bdsm which we had not been into before (eg cages, more extreme bondage etc)

e) We had been going through financial hardship for years. (Although I have a steady job and make a good income, I am paying large amounts in child support)

Although she wore much bondage jewelry, a locked collar and cuffs etc I treated her like a wife and not like a slave. She had access to all the keys.

She is not living with me, and I have had no contact from her.

Questions:

I have three questions:

1. Under commonly accepted master slave rules, it was my understanding that "once a slave, always a slave".
Would you say this is true or not? (Irregardless of what she did...I am looking for theoretically speaking)

2. Should a slave always be treated like a slave? Is this better for their mentallity?

3. Do you have any ideas/tricks/techniques for getting her back?

Thanks for answerng my questions. Hope to hear back from you soon,

Craig


Answer
Hi Craig :

Pardon my delay, yet I had to give the matter some thought.

Regarding # 1: Perhaps she was not a slave to start with but a very generous, somewhat submissive and eager-to-please-the-one-she-loves woman. You got to consider that perhaps the level of servitude, submission, slavery that you required of her may not the ideal that she had initially or the same definition as yours. Besides that, you got to considered that the rules can only apply as long as there are people willing to follow them. Whatever other rules couples may have, you got to define (along with her) YOURS. Not all protocols works for the all the same people.
Aside of making the rules yours (and hers) you both have to agree and abide by them from the start without making assumptions of slaves do this or slaves do that. Likewise avoid confusion from her part about her duties , rules and rights (if any as necessary). Otherwise miscommunication and disappointment follows.

In regard to #2 It goes tied to number one. Once the rules get defined and explained it is up to her to decide if it is the right deal for her or not. After all the final choice of 'slavery' is hers.
But it all comes down to psychology and the individual personality. If she is the type who needs (AND WANTS!) that structure and freedom FROM choice perhaps it is necessary, if agreed upon and understood clearly by the lady.

#3 is the trickiest since there is no real trick, except perhaps to speak and talk and clear issues. No assumptions, no judging, no resentments. But clear concise communication with  desires, fears, expectations, needs and wants. Some elements of the past may have not agreed very well with her before even if she did not verbalize her displeasure before. if it is something biological going in her, one does not point it out as the cause of the problem, since the feelings are real, even if a bit amplified. Attraction to relatives, albeit normal, can be very taboo for some other people, even if nothing happened. Sometimes just looking and desiring creates conflicts, if they are visible.

best course of action is to speak to her like a person, as a man to a woman. Without the BDSM baggage at first. Once that rapport is established again, then figure out if BDSM  was the cause of the conflict. From there WHICH elements of BDSM made her retract away from it.  I she cannot abide  by you likes and needs, then it will be your choice to find out if you can compromise or change it in a way that satisfy you both or in a way that is less scary for her. It may be fine for her for you to make the choices, but she may want to be  informed and in-the-loop, so to speak. Unilateral decisions sound ideal, but women are creatures of feelings and communication and we, after all, have to understand them and be able to express back and forth, so both sides can get what they require and  want.

I hope this helps Craig. Best wishes in reconnecting and re-encountering.

Oscar G.