Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/12/2008

Question
Hi Mistress Violette,
I have been interested and somewhat active in the BDSM lifestyle for about 5 years now.  I had a 24/7 D/s relationship for 9 months.  I am currently not in a 24/7 D/s relationship as I realized that it was not for me.  I do prefer to be dominated but would call myself a submissive more than a slave.  My boyfriend does dominate me to some extent and I recently joined a local dungeon that hosts monthly play parties as well as classes.  

My question though is regarding this subject with my mother.  My mother and I are very close, more like friends than mother/daughter.  We discuss everything, including sex.  I value this, and truly consider her my best friend.  She also enjoys that we are so open and truthful and she would never want me to "hide" things from her.  My real father was abusive, physically and verbally, to her for many years before she left him.  When I first expressed my interest in BDSM to her she didn't understand and told me I was a "freak" and obviously needed mental help.  That crushed me.  Since then she has tried to be more polite and understanding.  But it's still hard for her, when I told her I joined the dungeon she said she felt like because of her drinking when I was a child (she is a recovering alcoholic) and stuff that it had messed me up and that is why I enjoy BDSM.  She even started to cry even though I told her that wasn't the case.  Wow, sorry about how long this is!  Ok, so my question is, how do I explain to her why liking BDSM isn't a mental condition or result of how I was raised?  Are there any good websites/books I could recommend for her?

I really don't want to start having to hide things from her but I also don't want to make her cry everytime I mention it.

Thanks so much in advance!
Sincerely,
jenn

Answer
Hi, Jenn,

It's great you and your mother are at a point where you can discuss BDSM. That you were both able to move beyond her initial reaction speaks volumes about the strength of your relationship. I hope I can give you some ideas to help you help her to understand power exchange relationships.

This is likely your mother's first contact with BDSM as it's practiced in real life. Up until now, probably the only idea of BDSM she's had is what she's seen in the popular media. It's too bad our kink gets that kind of exposure but the real thing doesn't make for an exciting story line. One thing you're going to have to do is explain to her that what she thinks she knows about BDSM is very different from what BDSM actually is, because the only sources she's had available to her aren't the most reliable. As you know, BDSM is real life is often much different than the BDSM that's portrayed in movies and on television.

I'm going to make a suggestion to you that I've made to others in  similar situations. Try sitting down with your mother and asking for specifics - what does she think happens in BDSM, what does she see as the dangers. In other words, look for the reasoning behind her conclusion that BDSM is an illness. When you know what exactly it is that's bothering her, you can explain what happens in the real world, as opposed to what's shown on Law and Order. You can tell her the precautions people, including you, take to ensure safety. Given her experiences, she's probably hyper sensitive to the possibility of abuse

You asked for some resources. I'll list some I think might be useful and you can select the ones you think she'll relate to best. Information from other people will show her there's a lot of people doing this and in happy and healthy ways.

This site is about explaining BDSM to non BDSM people:
http://www.nlacolumbus.com/education/sm101/smbasic.html

These sites talk about the difference between BDSM and abuse:
http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml
http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/u.htm
http://www.butch-femme.com/dv.html

These are sites with down to earth BDSM information. They offer different perspectives on power exchange relationships:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

It's possible your mother won't be completely reassured, no matter how much information you share, but you can probably alleviate her fears a great deal. My sense is this won't be easy for her, because of her preconceived notions and her own experiences. I hope you'll be able to make her at least more comfortable, if not totally accepting. If not, understand that not being able to talk about some things isn't hiding, it's not forcing her to deal with things she finds difficult and it's perfectly ok. I wish you both all the best.

Mistress Violette