Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/30/2008

Question
Hello, Mistress Violette.  I'm a female-reared intersexed person, and have been in the process of coming out (a year ago I entered a relationship with a wonderful sub who is intersexed, and seeing how zie selfpresents opened my eyes to the fact that being open about who I am is possible).  The question I have for you is simply what gender neutral titles you've encountered people using for a dominant.  I've used Domina in the past, and I know Dominum is the neutral form.  My thanks, Riv

Answer
Hi, Riv,

I wish I had a definitive answer for you.

My personal preference for a gender neutral designation is "dominant." I've never been comfortable with "domme", "femdom", "domina" or "dominatrix." To me, the functions of a dominant are the same, regardless of his or her sex. I've never seen a need to differentiate male doms from female ones, in general. I try to respect other people's need for masculine and feminine forms but, when it's up to me, a dom is a dom.

I think the BDSM reflects our culture when it comes to roles and power. We haven't come up with a variation on dominant that's masculine. Neither have we come up with a similar variation on submissive. If we modify the word "submissive" it's usually with the word "male." We seem to start with the assumption that the powerful person is male and the powerless person is female. It seems we still have a long way to go.

When it comes to titles, I'm at a loss. The only term I'm aware of that might serve your purpose is "Syr." I can see how a gender neutral title would be useful. I think we're beginning to understand, in many areas, not just BDSM, that there's more to the sexes than just masculine and feminine. As we become more aware and accepting, our speech might come to better reflect the difference. As it is, it seems reasonable for you to try out your own variations and use what works for you. After all, no one can say you're wrong and you might just blaze a trail.

I'm happy you've found a possibility for a path that suits you and I wish you the best as you explore it.

Mistress Violette