Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/8/2008

Question
Hi,
I have a male friend who was in a BDSM relationship with his girlfriend. They have now broken up and he is beyond grief stricken and has done and said some questionable things to her. He's threatened to "out her" at her place of work and with their mutual friends. She has threatened him with legal action, but my take on it is he has a right to say anything he wants pertaining to their lifestyle. Would it not be true that people with this sort of hidden alternative lifestyle sign up for such anxieties? How can you possible expect anyone to keep it a secret forever? Now, I'm not suggesting that he take out an ad in the local paper or anything, but I think it is unreasonable for her to expect him to "keep his mouth shut" and completely ridiculous that she would threaten him with legal action. I'm sure this happens all the time, but I wanted your take on it. Thank you!!

Answer
Hi, Lori,

This is a relationship issue, not a BDSM issue, so let's look at it from that perspective. There are lots of things we don't want others to know about us, not just intimate sexual details. It could be an inconspicuous physical disability, a health problem, a long ago  indiscretion, a family matter. These are secrets we might not share with friends and co-workers but that we would reveal to a trusted partner. If your friend was threatening to reveal that the girlfriend has a prosthetic limb or is HIV positive or had had a disastrous marriage as a teen or has a relative in prison, I don't think you'd be trying to justify that behavior or thinking he has a right to reveal this information. In fact, I don't believe you'd think it was ok if he was threatening to reveal something as sexually usual as her ability to give good blow jobs. For all these examples, I think you'd be seeing this for what it is, the spiteful lashing out of someone who was hurt by a lover. The fact that the secret concerns a "hidden alternate lifestyle" doesn't rationalize behavior that has the sole purpose of causing injury to another. This isn't about the risks and expectations associated with following an alternate sexuality; it's about your friend's character.

Your friend is in a painful position but that doesn't pardon malicious behavior. When you've had a chance to consider the situation for what it is, I suspect you'll agree. It sounds like you want to help and support your friend. My suggestion is you do that by discouraging any more "questionable" behavior. When time has passed and the bitterness is gone, it would be sad if he had to look back on his actions and know he caused this woman significant loss or harm. Being the better person might be difficult but, in the long run, it's not only the healthier choice, it's the more satisfying one.

Mistress Violette