Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/28/2008

Question
Mistress, i am relatively new to the lifestyle in that i am now able and allowed to act on the wants and desires i have had for years. i have a kind, loving and generous Syr and i am very willing and always wanting to please my Daddy. Syr calls me Her greedy girl because i seem to always want more. No matter how generous my Syr is with me, i do want more. Recently our relationship has become more familiar in the real world and i feel this is taking away from our D/s relationship. Our play time is somewhat limited as it is, and now my Syr has been less available and less willing to play. i am dedicated inside and out to my Syr, i learn new things everyday from Her. i am corrected when i need to be and learn even more from these corrections. we have good chemistry and there is nothing i enjoy more than the sting of Her well-placed cane, unless its the careful, cold edge of Her knives. i crave so much more attention than my Syr gives me outside of our real lives. my question is this - how do i, a new sub to the most wonderful Syr i could imagine, know if i am in the correct D/s relationship if i am feeling slighted and ignored so often. and please, Mistress, be honest with me if i am just sounding greedy and spoiled. i do know that sometimes Daddy will treat me a certain way just so i can learn a new lesson. but i feel that a planned play date, completely forgotten and tossed aside, after many other broken play dates, may indicate something more than just a lesson for me to learn. i have been told that it was "just a mistake" for which She is so very sorry. but i am hurt, sad, and feel like i may not be important to my Syr any longer. is there a proper way for me to address this with my Syr and if it is time for us to move on separately, is there a proper way for me to bring it up? thank you, Mistress, for your time.

Answer
Hello,

As much as i dislike saying this, dominants aren't always thoughtful. Or observant. We think we're giving a sub what he or she needs but we're falling short because we just don't know we're wrong. That's what I thought might be happening with your owner, until you mentioned the forgotten play dates. That puts the situation in a different light.

First, though, I need to say you do sound on the greedy side. That's not unusual for a submissive, especially one who is getting her needs fulfilled for the first time. But some of the work you need to do is to understand that, once your dominant is aware of your needs, it's up to her to decide how, or even if, they are satisfied.

Now, one missed play date wouldn't be cause for concern. A series of them would be. Time with a submissive is usually something to which we look forward, not something we forget we have scheduled. It seems like maybe there's something up with your dominant.

There could be a number of things going on. Maybe there are personal issues she isn't comfortable sharing with you. Maybe she's feeling pressured by your needs and isn't sure how to address them. Maybe she is trying to teach you something but not making it clear. It's also possible it's time to move on. It's hard to guess so it's best you ask. You do need to know and there's nothing wrong with politely and respectfully telling her so. It could turn out that the problem is unintentional and fixable. If not, it's probably wise not to keep trying to make it work.

A former sub of mine had a wonderful way of bringing up issues. He would tell me about a negative effect and then ask if such and such a remedy was possible. So, when he felt a health effect due to food restrictions, he told me about an incident that might have occurred because of the restrictions and asked for permission to modify his diet. That way it came across as a safety issue rather than as a sub being greedy. With some thought about the situation and how it's effecting you, I bet you can come up with the right words to bring this up to your dominant. I hope you can work this out and wish you both the best.

Mistress Violette