Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/17/2008

Question
Please help me deal with this. At first I was very aroused but when I realized this is a path she is going down alone now I am dying inside. My wife of 16 years just came out to me and I don't know how to deal with it. I understand her desire but the thought of some one else touching her is killing me. I have watched videos in the past and was always turned on but I tried watching one now and couldn't stop crying. Here are some of my many questions.
1. Can I insist that the Dom does not touch her vaginal area and if so will she resent me for it.
2. I have agreed to meet with a couple who have gone through this, but what if I can't deal with it, I'm so afraid.
3. I would be willing to learn how to do what she wants, but she says she can't tell me because she is a sub. Can you recommend any sites or books.
4. I can't be her dom? Can she be happy without one. The greatest problem I have is some one else not just touching her but her giving herself to some one else.

Please be gentle with your responses, i'm not a bad husband one of those controlling types, I just want to stop breaking down every time I think about her and a dom.
I moved into the spare room not to punish her but I need time to come to terms with this and decide which path I want to take.
Thanks for this forum, just typing this out has helped. I would like to hear from other couples who are Male Vanilla Female Sub.

Answer
Hello, Dave,

I can understand why this is a surprise to you and I think your reaction isn't out of the ordinary. The first thing I recommend both you and your wife do is learn more about BDSM, together. I say this for a couple of reasons. One is that, if your only experience of BDSM is watching videos, it's no wonder you're upset. But what's portrayed in the media is often very different from real life BDSM and real life BDSM is what you need to know about. The other is that your wife said she can't tell you what she wants because she is a sub. There's nothing in BDSM that prevents a submissive from sharing information. In fact, communication is a cornerstone of BDSM relationships just as it is of vanilla ones. The fact that she thinks that leads me to believe she could benefit from more information gathering, too. After that, the first thing to determine is what style of BDSM most attracts your wife and then whether or not you can provide that. If it looks to both of you like you can, then negotiate, play, negotiate, play until you've come up with something that works for the two of you.

If it turns out you can't be her dom, then a different type of negotiation will have to happen. At that point it stops being about BDSM and becomes about the marriage. You will have to ask for things that make you comfortable, she will have to ask for what she wants. Again, you'll have to arrive at an agreement that works for you both. Most people who play with others with the consent of a marital partner have some boundaries in place to protect the marriage. No sex, for instance, or no marks or limits on type of play. You'll have to work that out between you and she'll need to find a dominant who understands and respects her marriage.

It's possible to be happy without actively practicing BDSM but it sounds like your wife has been doing that and wants things to change. It might be better for her to explore with your blessing so she can find out what she's been missing. It may turn out that she needs to follow this path but the opposite is possible, too. Either way, if she explores she won't be left wondering and resenting you for it.

This isn't a forum, per se, it's more about questions and answers. Some others may add to this answer but you won't be able to have a discussion with them. What you can do is search for "BDSM support groups." You might be comfortable starting with an online group. I suggest you find one that meets off line, too, so you know it's not a group for fantasy players. Read and, when you're comfortable, interact with people in the group. You'll find others who understand your situation and can offer support and advice. Eventually you might be able to meet some of these folks off line. It will help to know that most people in BDSM aren't that much different from you.

At the end of this message is a list of sites for the two of you to further your BDSM education. I wish you both the best.

Mistress Violette


This site is about explaining BDSM to non BDSM people:
http://www.nlacolumbus.com/education/sm101/smbasic.html

These sites talk about the difference between BDSM and abuse:
http://domsubfriends.com/library/bd-v-ab.shtml
http://www.unrealities.com/adult/ssbb/u.htm
http://www.butch-femme.com/dv.html

These are sites with down to earth BDSM information. They offer more than one perspective on power exchange relationships:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/